Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Reports and Remonstrations


Good evening and greetings from Belfast where I am chilling out after an assiduous couple of days. I've been on the tour trail which I love, Susan and I had a blast in Carlisle, I met a new gentleman who wanted to experience domination, I think he got a little more than he bargained for ( ahem ), he has written me a review here. On arrival in Belfast I met one of my regular guys who is deliciously deviant like moi, and thanks to him I have some brand spanking new toys and a review on Escort Ireland too, here. Thank you Sir, it's always a pleasure but you knew that anyway. ;)

For the remainder of this month I will be visiting Dundee and then Perth, the more perceptive of you will have gathered that I've not done my September availability diary / tour dates yet. "Real life" has caught up with me again and I have some commitments to fulfill which just for once, don't involve custard or butt plugs. So, the likelihood is that I will do some visits in September, you'll know as soon as I do when I'm back in circulation.

I don't think it's to anyone's detriment that I'm taking some time out, if nothing else it will keep the homicide rate on the west coast of Scotland down. I really am losing the will to live when it comes to some "enquiries".

"I seen (sic) your website, gonnae gies some details ?"

Now, I'm sorry to use the analogy of a restaurant again, but sometimes it's just easier to do it the lazy way. Take, if you will, my favourite Glasgow restaurant at the Hotel Du Vin. They have gone to the trouble of creating a website which explains quite clearly where they are located, what kind of fayre is on offer, how to book and they've even included pictures and given the option of "private dining", ( highly recommended by the way ). Do you think, given that level of information provided, that one would telephone them and say - "You do grub, aye ? Gonnae gies some details ?" As professional as they are, I can actually imagine the head waiter giving some indications from the menu as a suggestion. Where it goes from the sublime to the ridiculous is when the afore mentioned statement is followed up by -

"The fried duck egg, foie gras & c├Ępes bordelaise is £8.75, aye ? Ach you'll do it for a fiver."

This, readers, is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I kid you not.
It's all I can do to stop myself from bawling at the caller and pointing out that I have prepared the fecking website for a fecking reason and all the fecking information they need is right there, in front of their fecking noses. ( I told you I was cranky ).
Very gently then, we'll move on to the list of excuses as to why they haven't fully digested the details on the website. It's not because they just clicked on the pictures, prices and then noted the phone number, OH NO.

"My friend gave me your number".

Right, let's be honest about this, this is Glasgow, hardly the most liberalised society in existence. So no, you didn't have a conversation with your friend at the water cooler in the office along the lines of -

"Whit did ye get up tae at the weekend, ye nugget ?"

"Funny you should ask me that, I met a lovely lady who happens to be an escort, and if you should ever find yourself with some free time, look her up. She's terribly friendly and the best news is, she can string a sentence together and doesn't resemble Vikki Pollard."

The standard reply to that one is - "Perhaps you might like to go back to your 'friend' who will no doubt furnish you with my website address, which should address all the "Holy Grail" questions you so desperately seek.".

Next - "Ahm on ma fone, so ah am."

Super. So am I, most of the time and I think you'll find that alongside the pictures and phone number you just accessed is an informative database that tells you all you need to know. Gonnae view it.

I'm done complaining, I promise. Erudite and verbose gentlemen always welcome, in the meantime, I shall enjoy the "craic" with the neds. I must mention, thanks to Amy , I now have a Blackberry which blocks all withheld numbers, any numbers of my choice, and texts too. On top of that, I've just discovered the setting in google mail which automatically dumps emails from certain addresses, *cough* - they go straight to the bin, fecking marvellous.

LL xx



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