Friday, 12 December 2014

Mid Life Mission

See, here's the thing.

The male mid life crisis is pretty well mapped out. For the men folk, it tends to be motorbikes and escorts, I know that because it's my job. Hit 50, and suddenly a switch goes off in their brain and well, they go quite mad. These are the guys who want to roll about in custard, be *almost* seen in a local woodland, try nudism, threesomes, anal love beads, the list is never ending. Hey, I'm not complaining, it pays my mortgage.

As a woman though, I wonder what lies in store for me. I've witnessed some friends go through some pretty dramatic changes, from running away with the local petrol pump attendant to last minute babies (those two may or may not be related.) I thought about a tattoo, it's not really my thing but I like the idea of a very small blue butterfly on my hip. The butterfly (as we all know) symbolises change and is also the symbol of a sex worker - she has many visitors who softly light but never stay. Perfect ! Except the thoughts of some guy strapping me down to a workbench and sticking needles in my love handles ? No, just no. Well, maybe the first part. (I'll come back to that.)

From there I toyed with the idea of a piercing, you know, *there*. I'm told it's relatively painless as a procedure and can bring any amount of pleasure as and when required. Hurrah ! Just what a cougar cub needs, right ? Well, not really. One of the benefits of being in the sex industry as long as I have is I have some pretty amazing lady friends with whom I can discuss anything. ANYTHING. Imagine my disappointment then, when I was reliably informed that if you have a ring with a little stud fitted at the end, it does indeed have the desired effect but with very little input from the owner. So, not so handy for parent/teacher nights or indeed the cereal aisle at Asda then.

Getting more than a little dispirited, I ploughed on in my quest. Did you know there are sites on the internet where consenting adults can hook up for sexual liaisons ? Absolutely fucking disgusting. Now a member of three such sites, I'm feeling the strain of heavy protest. After all, it's only so I can infiltrate the infrastructure and bring them down with my feminist sisters. The first I happened upon is aimed at the more kinky of subscribers and as (contrary to my professional life) I enjoy relinquishing control from time to time, it didn't take me long to find Glasgow's answer to Mr. Grey. My interest in this exchange is purely as a budding psychologist, I'm studying the exchange in power. As you know, I hate bad data and dodgy statistics, so I think about an eighteen month study should do it, to give me time to plot my results and run my tests.

In conclusion then, if this is what men call a crisis, I'd hate to see what they deem a bad experience. I'm having a ball, just not at the end of a piercing.

LL xx

1 comment:

  1. Mid life crisis. I lay in bed this morning listening to a report on a man who had died as a result of a mid life crisis. He was leading a double life. Shock horror. 50 years old, married (happily?), but was out drinking, drugs, leading an alternate life. No mention of escorts, but there must have been SEX somewhere. The gist of the story was the strain of the double life he led, result death. Yes we men have to put up with all kinds of stress.

    I leant over and kissed my partner and said, 'I am in old age now'


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