Saturday, 31 December 2011

Happy New Year - My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final night in,
My friend, I'll make it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full,
Travelled every feckin' highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, there's been a few;
But then again, I cannae mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through with much discretion.

I planned each pre-booked tour;
Each careful step, stuck on the motorway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spat it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
In high heels anyway.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of schmoozing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a girl, what has she got?
If not herself, then she has naught.
To say the things she truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way.

Happy New Year, one and all. :)

LL xx

Friday, 30 December 2011

An Australian sex worker speaks out ....

All I want for Christmas is the decriminalisation of sex work because it's the gift that keeps on giving - not just to me. I'm not being selfish, even though it would benefit me as a sex worker in South Australia, where sex work is criminalised.

For me, decriminalisation would mean I have the same workplace rights as every other worker in South Australia. It would mean I could call on police in an emergency rather than put myself in danger trying to avoid them. It would mean I don't have to find places to hide my condoms in case they are used against me as evidence. It would mean I could be clear with potential clients about my service and my limitations without fearing they are an undercover police officer.

It would mean my criminal record for receiving money in a brothel, from 15 years ago, would be cleared rather than being kept on file forever as a 'sex crime.' For me and thousands of criminalised sex workers in Australia, it would mean I could prioritise my own health and safety over police evasion.

But this is not just a gift to me and other sex workers in SA; it is also a gift to our state and our country. South Australia was the second place in the world to give women the vote, and the first place in the world to allow women to stand for parliament.

We were the first place in the country to decriminalise homosexual sex between males, to introduce a public housing scheme, to introduce anti discrimination legislation, to legalise abortion (in some circumstances) and we were the first in the 'English speaking world' to make rape in marriage illegal. South Australia has been a leader on social policy in many areas, but our sex work laws are letting the team down.

The laws, which are contained in the Summary Offences Act 1953 and the Criminal Law Consolidation Act 1935, are the oldest in the country. We could be showing some direction to the nation on this issue and reclaiming our place amongst the world leaders on progressive social policy.

Instead we continue to waste public resources by actively policing what, even the police commissioner agrees, are archaic and unworkable laws, while our politicians go through theirseventh attempt at law reform. None of this time or money spent is helping otherwise law abiding sex workers, nor is it addressing the concerns of the wider community.

South Australia is in an excellent position to consider the models of sex industry regulation being used around us. Every state and territory in Australia has a different version of criminalisation and regulation, and in the case of NSW, decriminalisation.

New Zealand, (the first place in the world to give women the vote) decriminalised sex work 10 years ago. A multi agency evaluation report shows successful outcomes for sex workers health rights and wellbeing, and no negative outcome for the general public. We have Australian reports that support decriminalisation as best practice, such as those coming out from the Laws and Sexual Health (LASH) research. Scarlet Alliance and all the Scarlet Alliance members, organised sex workers speaking through our projects and organisations networking with sex work projects nationally and internationally, all are asking for decriminalisation.

It would be such an easy wish to grant. Just like in NSW and NZ we already have all the laws in place that can give sex workers access to industrial protections, ensure there are occupational health and safety standards, minimise public amenity issues, ensure environmental and public health and protect workers against exploitation.

Once the laws that criminalise sex workers are removed, all the laws that apply to every other worker, workplace and business will apply to sex workers and the sex industry. All the research, evaluating, experimenting and law making is already done for us - we just need to amend the Acts that criminalise us.

And it wouldn't just be a Christmas gift to me and the approximately 1000 other sex workers in our state, the many more who have left the industry but still have a lifelong police record, and the many sex workers who will come after me - but it would be a gift to the South Australian community as a whole.

New Zealand has shown us that decriminalisation does not result in a brothel on every corner. In fact, the sex industry did not grow at all in NZ after decriminalisation. Removing the laws that criminalise sex workers and giving us access to the same rights and responsibilities as other workers and citizens, means that existing laws can address many of the concerns of our neighbours and communities effectively. Surely it is easier to address a parking issue with current laws that deal with parking, rather than 1930's brothel laws.

Decriminalisation also sends a message to the community that everyone deserves to be safe. December 17 was international day to end violence against sex workers. Decriminalisation supports sex workers' safety by removing the barriers sex workers face when accessing police, allowing sex workers to work in ways that are safe and by reducing stigma against sex workers - all of which impact on sex workers safety. Anything that reduces violence against a particular group of people is a gift to the whole community.

So this year my Christmas wish is for South Australia to continue its proud tradition of leading the way in progressive and non discriminatory social policy by decriminalising sex work, and once again show the world that giving people basic rights will not result in the sky falling in.

Ari Reid is the Vice-President of Scarlet Alliance, Australian Sex Workers Association.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

I found this ....

.... on the intertubeswebthingy and rather liked it. It draws a comparison between Gillian McKeith (or to give her her full medical title - Gillian McKeith) and that kinkstress of the kitchen, Nigella Lawson.

I know which one I'd rather be. On the basis that it will help me avoid facial lines, I am off to dive headfirst into a warm choccy fudge cake, ( pouring cream optional ).

LL xx

Follow ups and Formspring

While I was away in The Green Isle, I see that Lynne from Quay Services in Aberdeen has put up a response to my condemnation of Grampian police and their tactics, on Harlot's Parlour. I'm very encouraged that Quay Services have approached the police about their conduct too and I know they offer fantastic support to sex workers.
Her letter is below -

Hi Laura

My name is Lynne and I work for Quay Services in Aberdeen. It was interesting and thought-provoking to read your thoughts in response to The Kennedy report and I notice that you refer to information on our website regarding the approach that Grampian Police are implementing in Grampian. I felt it important to respond to your blog entry as I would like to clarify what Quay Services is about and also clarify the reasons as to why the information regarding the police is featured on our website.

Quay Services provides free condoms, lube, panic alarms and information/support to women working in the sex industry in Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire. Our main priority is ensuring the safety of women whilst they are working as much as possible. We also provide support to women on going to college, employment, housing etc. Recently we have had contact from several women working independently as escorts who have experienced Grampian Police turning up at their place of work. This has caused much panic and women have subsequently been in touch with us to raise their concern and seek an understanding of what is happening. As such, we have liaised with Grampian Police in order to gain a better understanding of their approach so that this will allow us to inform women and hopefully offer some reassurance.

As you have highlighted, there appears to be a diverse approach operating within the different police forces across Scotland. Our intention of having this information on our website is purely to make women aware of the purpose of Grampian Police with regards to women sex working in Grampian.

In relation to your comment regarding how information taken by Grampian Police may stop you getting a job working with children or in the caring profession, I understand that this must be a very real concern. However, we have been told by Grampian Police that the information gained by them regarding women who are working off-street is kept confidential within a small team in Grampian Police and as such would not appear on a PVG check.

Quay Services has taken on board your comments and are changing how the information regarding the Police approach appears on our website to clarify our role at Quay Services.

We at Quay Services are open to any feedback that you could offer which would help women working off-street. Your comments and input would be gratefully received.

Many thanks,
Quay Services Worker

I think it would be beneficial to contact Lynne directly at this juncture and also put the finishing touches on my letter to the Chief Constable of Grampian police too.

Just to let you know, I have once again opened Formspring and you will find a link on my blog page. I have always kept up to date with reading other people's answers and really enjoyed them so thought I'd give it another whirl myself. That said, any questions which are blatantly from anti's, disgruntled or just mad members of the industry or worse, their lapdogs ( not to mention knuckle dragging cavemen ) will simply be deleted, so please don't waste your time.

I'm off to Belfast on Monday so will catch up with you from there.

LL xx

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Stresses and Seasonal Greetings

Last Wednesday was up there in the top five most stressful days in my entire life, not least because when I awoke at silly o'clock, it quickly became apparent that boy cat had been very busy indeed. It looked like Christmas had come early in our house because he had found the five pack of kit kats on the kitchen counter and torn the packaging apart, resulting in tiny little bits of silver wrapping all over the floor and one cat looking very guilty indeed, if not very definitely green around the gills. He's very lucky I've already bought him his whiskas stocking for Christmas.

I was already in window licking mode as it was, because I was due to be at the BBC studios in Glasgow at 7.45am at the latest, to do a radio interview. "Right, ( I thought ) if it's an escort they want then an escort they shall fecking well have". By the time the car came to pick me up I was primped and preened to perfection. Yes, I know that they were in another studio hundreds of miles away but that's not the point, I didn't want to slope into the building in my jeans and trainers, just - no.

When I say a "car" was sent to pick me up, actually a more accurate description would be a local taxi with the most intellectually challenged man ever to grace this earth therein. To cut a very long story short, he got hopelessly lost, in spite of having not one, but two sat navs. Meanwhile, he continued to make small talk -

"Whit are ye deen at the BBC hen ?"

"Um, I'm doing an interview".

"Oh aye, whit aboot ?"

"I'm a meteorologist and I'm going to talk about Hurricane Bawbag".
( Sometimes I could cheerfully kick myself up the arse, but it was a split second thing. )

My phone went again and it was the producer - "Right Laura, can't wait anymore so we'll be coming to you in about 5 minutes, also, can you stay on after nine and do the phone in ?" Deep panic set in now, there was no way I could do the interview in the taxi not least because by now the driver had lost it completely and was shrieking at the sat nav. So I asked him to stop the car and hopped out, right outside the STV studios ( which I later discovered is about 30 seconds from where I was supposed to be ). I found what looked like a relatively quiet spot around the side of the building and the interview began. We were about thirty seconds into it when around the corner came a forty foot articulated lorry with two smiling Weegies in it. "ALRIGHT DOLL ?" I tried desperately to gesture to them to keep it down, but ended up resembling a demented octopus and in the end just gave up.

I could have cried with relief when the producer said the first segment was over and I had about 40 minutes until the next one. Finally, I made it to the studio for that piece and some very kind soul handed me a mug of tea too. Overall, I felt the debate went OK, primarily I wanted to get the piece in about the legislation and I managed that, so I was quite pleased. I was far less pleased when I discovered that after they finished my bit they let a rad fem have free reign, I would dearly love to know how she can possibly consider paid sex between two consenting adults to be rape. Ho hum. The link to the piece is here. As regards the argument itself in relation to students "turning to prostitution", for as long as there has been prostitution and students, then there have been students IN prostitution, it's really that simple. I said I had noticed a marked increase in "newbies" but from across the board, not just students. As regards Peter Stringfellow's assertion that his "entertainers" don't count as part of the sex industry - um, right. Perhaps I should have told him that many years and several stone ago I worked as a dancer in London, which is all I will say on that. ;)

Anyway, I'm fully booked from now until Wednesday night, firstly taking some time with that slave of mine for our own unique brand of fun on the East coast to include a chest wax ( heh heh ), one final booking on Wed night in Glasgow and then I'm off. La Cub and I are off to The Motherland on Thursday to visit the clan, so all in all I won't be back in sunny Glasgow until December 27th.

It just remains for me to wish you all, a very Merry Christmas. Kick back and enjoy the rest and relaxation and I'll catch up with you when I get back.

LL xx

Saturday, 17 December 2011

A letter from the IUSW to the Scottish Police

Below is the text of the letter that myself, Amanda and many other activists will be sending to every Chief Constable in Scotland today.

Dear *insert name*,

We write to you in recognition of International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, today December 17th, to request information about your force’s policy on public protection for people in the sex industry.

People in the sex industry are often targeted for violent crime by perpetrators who know we are reluctant to contact the police due to fear of arrest. We are asking police forces nationwide to adopt the “Merseyside Model”. With the assistance of specialist services, Liverpool police are achieving a 68% detection rate for rapes committed against sex workers and a 90% conviction rate for other crimes of violence.

We ask you to meet with representatives of the International Union of Sex Workers and UK Network of Sex Work Projects to discuss this.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks, and all best wishes for the holiday season.

Let's hope we get a positive response.

LL xx

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Reports and remonstrations

Two brand new shiny reviews, here and here. Thanks Misters !!

While I remember it, huge thanks to David Cameron for the recent invaluable advice offered to the parents of those children without a teacher during the industrial action on Wednesday. "Take the kids to work".

Oh aye, because that will work. I should have taken herself to Belfast with me.

"Not now sweetpea, Mammy just needs to whip this naughty man and then I'll be right with you, we'll go to McDonalds I promise."


LL xx

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

The Kennedy report

Greetings from Inverness where it is so cold I have parts of me going hard that I didn't know I possessed. Ho hum.

I've been reading the report from the recent inquiry on human trafficking, chaired as it was by Baroness Helena Kennedy. The link to the report is here.
In total the report came up with ten findings, the most relevant to the sex industry being number one -

Scotland needs to have a comprehensive strategy to prevent and tackle human trafficking.

I can only agree with that, because as it stands, the "strategies" being adopted by the various police forces are diverse, to say the least. Firstly, there is Edinburgh, where there is a tolerance of parlours and to some extent, working flats also. The police there will visit the parlours regularly and ensure that the women are working of their own accord and are not being forced to do any acts they are unhappy with. In general "Indie's" are left alone to get on with their work, which is the way it should be.

Ms. Kennedy was quoted as saying that the police "aren't doing anything" which in the case of Strathclyde's finest in Glasgow, is untrue and unfair. In Glasgow they have been leafleting inner city flats with flyers in several different languages and where there have been foreign nationals present they have been raiding. Again, they seem to be leaving the Indie's alone.

However, in Aberdeen, there is a whole new approach being taken. I have taken the following passage from this leaflet issued by Quay Services in Aberdeen.

"Grampian Police are under duty to respond to any concerns regarding criminal activity from members of the public. If someone e.g. housekeeping/hotel staff, neighbours etc alert the Police to any activity that is deemed by them as suspicious e.g. different individuals coming to and from a flat, different women coming and going from a flat, noises that would indicate that the property was being used for sex etc, then the Police may visit the property.

This is because they are looking for any criminal activity related to prostitution and looking to ensure the safety of off-street sex workers.

Their main concerns include:

* Ensuring women’s safety
* Ensuring that there is no coercion/force i.e. human trafficking and making sure that the women present are working of their own free will
* Confirmation of identity i.e. women are who they say they are
* The prevention of bigger crimes - Grampian Police are of the opinion that this method of engaging with off-street sex workers may help to prevent larger scale crimes such as robberies and attacks on women by punters. It is hoped that by building a better rapport and trust with Grampian Police, women may feel more comfortable and able to inform Police about crimes committed against them, and ultimately feel more protected by Grampian Police.
* Grampian Police are keen to share information with off-street sex workers regarding dodgy punters and also wish to provide safety advice.

If the Police do come to your door, they will be looking to ascertain that you are working of your own free will and that you are working within the boundaries of the law. The main objective of the Police is to establish that women are working of their own free will and are not being commercially sexually exploited.

What normally happens next is that the Police will take your photograph – they do this because if something happened to you then they would be able to identify you more quickly and would help inform their investigation. The photograph is only seen by a small team of Officers who are working within the sex industry department of Grampian Police.

The Police will also take your contact details and run them through the Police National Computer (PNC check), a computer database system that is used by law enforcement agencies across the UK. They are looking for any outstanding warrants or any previous criminal convictions that they should be aware of. This is no different to what happens with ‘on-street’ sex workers.

If you are with a punter when Grampian Police turn up, they also will take a photograph and personal details from the punter (if he/she is present at the time of the Police visit). The punter’s details are also run through the PNC. This is also for your safety, to ensure that the punter is not a dangerous criminal or is wanted by the Police.

As long as there is no evidence of criminal activity or brothel keeping, then the Police will take no action. After Grampian Police have visited and are satisfied that you are working independently, they will ask you to call or text them next time that you are working in Aberdeen. This is because: if a hotel or serviced flat, for example, do contact them again with the same issues such as men coming to and from the property, then they will be able to confirm that you are not doing anything illegal. Then it is up to the individual establishment to decide whether they wish to take any action, such as asking you to leave.

The decision to ask you to leave is made by the venue and not at the insistence of Grampian Police, unless they have had a specific complaint.
Grampian Police wish to establish a good rapport with women working in prostitution. They want to help prevent crimes happening against you e.g. punter robberies, brothel involvement etc. By communicating with the Police about when you are working in Aberdeen, they endeavour to be able to pass onto you any information that is relevant to your wellbeing, such as giving details of a dodgy punter for you to look out for. And vice versa."

So let me just sum that up for you. Where there is a well known independent escort working quite legally in Aberdeen, the police will come to the premises and in spite of the fact she has committed no crime, they will take her name, her photograph and that of her client, who has also committed no crime. Lest we forget, this is in case of "trafficking". The bit that really irked me was this - "Then it is up to the individual establishment to decide whether they wish to take any action, such as asking you to leave." So picture the scene, plod arrive at a hotel and explain to the management that they are paying a visit to room 123 because there is a prostitute working there. OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO WANT HER OUT. So this "welfare" visit being conducted by the police amounts to little more than ensuring the lady is flung out of her accommodation, exactly how does that go towards ensuring her safety ?

As for the claim that only a select few of the vice unit will have the information gleaned, I'm confident that that's not the case either. The lady's details will be recorded on internal police intelligence files and she will be tagged as a "known prostitute". In real terms that means that if and when she ever applies for a Disclosure Scotland check, she will be turned down for any job that involves working with vulnerable people, such as children and disabled people.

To put that into context for you, I am the Mother of a stroppy ten year old. Never have my parenting skills been called into question and I have never had any contact with social services etc, however, if I apply for a job as a childminder, I'll be turned down, because I am a prostitute.

Also, I am registered with the TLC website and see quite a few disabled clients. So, it's perfectly OK ( and legal ) for me to have intimate sexual contact with them, but if I apply for a job as their carer, I'll be turned down, because I am a prostitute.

As is evident from the above, there is no unity in the actions of the police at all, different forces appear to be using entirely different tactics. Let's hope that Ms. Kennedy's vision of Scotland as a "centre for excellence" includes a marked improvement in the treatment of native sex workers because as it stands at the moment, in some areas it is nothing short of disgraceful.

It is a shame that when I wrote to Ms. Kennedy some time ago suggesting that we meet, my request was completely ignored,in spite of her statement in her report which said that she wanted to meet with victims first hand, and hear their stories. Therein lies the ultimate irony, because as a sex worker in Scotland I am a victim too. I am a victim of prejudice, stigma, social isolation and hatred not to mention being at the mercy of the various police forces.

Had I had the chance to meet Ms. Kennedy, my suggestion to tackle trafficking was a very straightforward and simple one. Who are the people ( aside from the traffickers themselves ) who come into regular contact with the women who so desperately need our help ? The CLIENTS. Ergo, what is needed is a move to open the channels of communication between the police and the clients. Any client should feel able to phone the police, explain that he visited a flat and wasn't happy with what he saw and KNOW that he can report it in complete confidence, with no long term ramifications for him, such as a record of him as a "punter".

Secondly, I strongly advocate a dramatic improvement in the relationship between sex workers and the police too. Having read my rant above, you'd be forgiven for thinking I have a dislike of the police. Not at all, in fact when I came up against an abusive client who was engaging in stalking behaviour I found them to be very supportive and they couldn't have been more helpful. However, whilst tactics similar to those that are happening in Aberdeen continue, then the gap will widen and a deeper mistrust will develop between "us and them". If a woman phones a flat looking for a job and when she gets there finds foreign nationals in a state of fear, will she report it when she knows she will then be tagged for life as a "known prostitute" ? Thought not.

I'm off to find a suitable surface to kick repeatedly, but I'll leave you with this wonderful quote from Ms. Kennedy -

"I take the view that the vast majority of women do indeed become prostitutes out of complex combinations of negative experiences, but for me the law should not make the judgement that, when a woman claims autonomy, she is in fact misguided."

LL xx

Friday, 2 December 2011

I'm still here .....

.... just very busy, and also in the process of moving this here blog to a wordpress platform as part of my website.

I will catch up very soon I promise.

In the meantime, cute kitty, LOOK !!

LL xx

P.S : Baroness Kennedy's report on trafficking has been published, I'm working my way through it today.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

How to book an escort .... the survival guide re etiquette

I have borrowed this from a poster on Punternet, I think it's priceless -

Personal hygiene:-

Despite protestations to the contrary, what the lady wants is the smell of a REAL man, that earthy pong of honest sweat. You may be offered the use of bathing facilities, do not fall for this, it is a well known ploy to test your suitability as a regular (accept and you may never return), just ignore it, whip your todger out and say the magic words “get yer larfin gear round that then gal!!”, it works every time.

Services: -

Most if not all ladies are rather shy and retiring, in so many ways they are like delicate flowers that need to be gently and repeatedly questioned before they finally open up and reveal their innermost feelings and desires, hence the need to totally disregard any form of limitations in the area of services provided, they ALL supply, and indeed crave, ALL forms of sexual activity, don’t be put off by a list of “don’ts” because the implication behind that list is “well I do, but don’t tell anybody”.


Although this part of the deal is of the least interest to the lady (it’s just pandering to tradition really) it needs dealing with in a business like manner. I expect that you have seen a couple (almost a rarity these days) of adverts that state that payment is to be in “cash only”, well to be frank these ladies are a little bit behind the times, there are major disadvantages to cash and your refusal to use it will be appreciated enormously once you explain the advantages of the cheque.

1. No more embarrassing moments when the lady discovers that she is £20 short
2. No more embarrassing moments when the lady discovers that you have overpaid by £20
3. The dud note problem is eliminated
4. No more having to keep an accurate count of income for tax purposes, just pay it in to the bank account and let the accountant do the rest

The list is endless, the lady will be indebted to you for life.


Obviously the security of the lady is paramount but “what about my security on an incall?” I hear you ask, a very good point and very well made say I, have no fears on that score because the punting fraternity have already got that one fully sussed out. All ladies that do incall are now legally required to have an arrangement with their Neighbourhood Watch Committee, so before you set out just take a note of their number and when you are ensconced inside the dwelling just give them a quick bell and inform them of the Lady’s name, address and mobile number and the duration of your stay, a 2 minute call and you’re all done and dusted.

Advertising: -

This is a very expensive and sensitive area for a lady, getting just that right balance of titillation without straying into the vulgar can be quite a soul-searching task, you can be of great assistance here, by following all the previous guidelines you will soon find the lady of your dreams and quickly become a regular, so why not be really helpful and give her some free advertising, get a T shirt made up using the following template.

LILY OF LEYTONSTONE TAKES IT UP THE BACKSIDE (with her mobile number of course).

Wear that every day and she will shower you (golden if that is your preference) with praise and be your soul mate for life.

Initial contact: -

I believe that I have already posted information on this subject but I shall incorporate it just for the sake of completeness. This is a much forgotten, misunderstood yet so important feature of punting; as in most things in life first impressions are the ones that stick, they are the very bedrock that will support and nurture future appointments, so get it right. I shall endeavour to cover the two main methods of initial contact and give as many tips as possible, however you will have your own style so treat the following as a guide only and not something to be slavishly followed :-


The lady logs on and views her inbox, she has 2 Emails, one has a subject of “I would like to arrange an incall appointment” the other has a subject of “r u up 4 it or wot”, bit of a no-brainer really. The first is very likely to be from some lily-livered wimp called Tarquin wanting to make a booking for a 3 hour “mutual enjoyment experience”, the chances are that the lady will delete that without bothering to open it, whereas the second one will really catch her eye, she will know from experience that inside will be the promise of an hour of good hard shagging by a real man.

Make the body of the Email short, sharp and preferably explicit, don’t hint at things you want, be open and upfront, the lady does not want to have to read between the lines or look for subtext, after all what she desires above everything else is an assertive male that knows what he wants and gets it, phrases like “I would like to indulge in a little tradesman's entrance play” is for the Tarquin’s of this world and just will not cut the mustard with a WG, be bold and write “your backside will make the Mersey Tunnel look like a drinking straw when I’m done with you”, this is what excites the lady, this is what gets her going, you really can’t go wrong with this sort of approach.


Picture if you can the following scene, it is 3 O’clock in the afternoon and the lady is reading “Bleak House” or working on her needlepoint, as an aside I think this is an appropriate place to dispel a widely held misconception, WG’s do not have a “normal” life outside of working, they are on call 24/7, it is not work that they do it is a vocation, her biological clock is in perfect harmony with your sexual desires; they are always dressed in erotic lingerie and will respond well to repeated enquiries as to what they are wearing, but I digress.

The phone rings, the lady answers and hears :-

“Hello Thelma, my name is Tarquin, I wonder if you would be available this afternoon ……….”

Not unsurprisingly all he will hear (if he is lucky) is a loud “click”

An alternative to the above is, the phone rings, the lady answers and hears :-

“Get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out for the lads …………. Wot u wearin’ then?”

Instant rapport, the lady will be overcome with excitement, you’ve pulled, I rest my case.

LL xx

Sunday, 6 November 2011

... and now, a song.

To the tune of The Boxer.

I am just a call girl
Though my story's seldom told
I have fought the rad fems deftly
For a inbox full of promises like prayers for my soul
All lies and jests
Still a girl hears what she needs to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a girl
In the company of escorts
In the quiet of a plush hotel running scared
Laying low, seeking out the higher quarters
Where the wealthy people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Lie la lie ...
Asking only hooker's wages
I come looking for a job
And I get some offers,
Plus a heads up from the girls on Shaftesbury Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
But there was camaraderie there

Lie la lie ...

Then I'm laying out my outcall clothes
And knowing I am home
I am home
Where the Dublin City winters aren't bleeding me
Bleeding me, I am home

In the clearing stands an escort
And a fighter by her trade
And she carries the reminders
Of every one that put her down
Or hurt her till she cried out
In her anger and her name
"Legislate against or mock me"
But the fighter still remains

Lie la lie ...

LL xx

Thursday, 3 November 2011

IUSW Press release - 2/11/2011

ACPO release Strategy for Policing Prostitution and Sexual Exploitation.

The International Union of Sex Workers offers a cautious welcome to the new guidance from the Association of Chief Police Officers.

Current law on the sex industry is confusing and complicated: sex workers are at risk of prosecution unless they work indoors in complete isolation. Legislation on brothel keeping and “controlling for gain” fail to target exploitation or coercion, but criminalises those working together. For those selling sex onstreet, the definition of “persistent soliciting” (more than once every three months) means they can have contact with the police four times a year without risk of arrest.

We are glad to see ACPO recognise that “the safety of people engaged in sex work must be paramount to the police service”.

We are also glad to see awareness of the practical work currently underway that increases the protection of people in the sex industry:
“As currently done by Merseyside Police, to deal with violent and sexual crimes / incidents on sex workers in the same vein as a ‘Hate Crime / Incident’ i.e. premium response and service to the victim”
“ACPO supports the work of the UK Network of Sex Worker Projects, especially in relation to the ongoing development and enhancement of ‘Ugly Mugs’ schemes”

There is also acknowledgement that “Enforcement alone is an inadequate solution,” with clear direction to local forces: “This strategy supports partner organizations and projects offering support services to sex workers … Supporting health, welfare, education and peer-led organisations in promoting safe sex practice by sex workers “

However, there remains an inherent contradiction between the police role of protection and enforcement, and sex workers will continue to bear the consequences of this in terms of violence and other abuses.

Catherine Stephens, an activist with the IUSW, says “Like Simon Byrne, ACPO Lead on this issue, the IUSW wishes to see policy based on a sound evidence base, that draws upon the experience of sex workers in decriminalised areas of Australia and New Zealand. Sex workers deserve the full protection of the law and equal treatment with other citizens.”

Georgina Perry, manager of Open Doors service, which operates across three of London’s Olympic boroughs and member of the Board of the UKNSWP “We welcome the ACPO’s recognition that partnership work with expert local services is essential; the UKNSWP represents more than 60 such services across the UK who are the frontline of offering services to sex workers. Partnership work must include working with sex workers themselves. Laws about sex work in this country do little to protect people who are selling sex, which should be our highest priority.”

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Foreign Jaunts and Field Reports

Good evening and greetings from Perth. I am back from my foreign jaunts and feeling thoroughly rested, tanned ( well, peeling ) and ready to take on whatever comes my way. My first stop was the Isle of Man, it was my first visit there, courtesy of Mr. F and suffice to say it was very interesting indeed. Sometimes I think I have it tattooed on my forehead - "ALL WHO HAVE EVER ENTERTAINED STRANGE THOUGHTS, APPLY HERE."

We met them all, from the lady who thought I should join a production company doing "The Rocky Horror Show", ( on foot of the fact I can hold a note and look like Magenta ) to the multi millionaire who burst into tears and told us money can't buy you happiness. Hmmm, could have told him that. Still, many hugs were exchanged and we sent him on his merry way ( and I do mean MERRY ) probably to wake up in complete oblivion to the night before. We also caught a production of "Bugsy Malone" which was fantastic and finished up with a trip around the island to the various wee towns whilst deftly avoiding a herd of very slow and fed up cows. It was bliss.

From there I headed off to Turkey with La Princess and my goodness what a culture shock that was. We ran the gauntlet of Icmeler market with herself maintaining a solid hold of my arm because the sellers were so bloody aggressive. You know what ? They would do far better to just allow people to browse than to block their way up the alleys and then hurl insults at them when they don't buy their goods. By alley number three I had had quite enough and was busy hurling insults back at them in Irish, which caught them off guard, heh heh.

I don't see why - "No, I don't want to buy your fake Chanel bag thank you, especially since it's missing the 'n'" .... should warrant a string of expletives, but there we are.

All was not lost though, we both got to fulfill a lifetime ambition, that is, to swim with dolphins. There are no other words for it, it was absolutely awesome. The power of that animal as he pulled me through the sea on his fin is something that I won't forget for a long time, I placed my complete trust in him and it was very much reciprocated as he took herself for a spin too. Anyway, the above picture is a very tender moment between us, when he swam up with great force, ground to a halt and we had a kiss, a truly magical moment.

Whilst I was away I made a concerted effort to stay away from the internet, certainly anything to do with escorting and I have to say I really enjoyed the break from all of the usual irritations. I did however, stay in touch with my "real life" friends via Facebook, or as my little darling refers to it, 'The Facetubes'.(It's a sad day when you have to give yourself a moment to consider and even understand your 10 year old's ironic statement as to the dependence of the populace in general on t'internet, and to then get to the point where you realise that's not why she said it, she said it because she thinks it's funny *sigh* ).

Anyway, on said site, one of my friends posted a link to the most horrendous story I have seen for a long time. Now, I know I'm way behind on this story so I apologise in advance, but whilst the rest of the world was catching up on the BBC headlines online, I was eyeing up the pert buttocks of the Turkish waiter who served us lunch, ( gay, definitely ).

There was a little girl who was run over in China, except this was different.

Allow me to explain it with a link here.

Forgive me in advance because I'm going to shout ( we do that in capitals on the internet, innit ).


I mean, I'm almost getting that some men won't go near a small child who has fallen over and cut their knee, lest the worst be thought of them. Let's get this into context though, this was a child who was fatally injured. SHAME on every single person who walked past that child and allowed her to continue to suffer. Also, where was her Mother ? Why was a child of that age allowed out on a public busy street by herself ? It made me sick to my stomach and as I understand it she has since died. I hope the poor wee mite rests in peace. :(

Meanwhile, I see another blogger has taken on the task of doing an analysis of Punternet field reports, have a look here.

Quite why anyone would do a statistical analysis of field reports escapes me, but it is a very interesting and honest piece with some humour thrown in too. I liked this quote -

"The women are well paid and seem happy with their choice of job and the men enjoy their punts and tend to repeat them again and again."

WHHHOOOAAAAA, you mean we're not trafficked, abused, deluded victims suffering from repressed memory syndrome meaning at some point it will all come flooding back whilst shopping in Asda resulting in an ear piercing scream ?

Feck me, the rad fems must be turning in their support tights. :D

LL xx

P.S : Speaking of reports, my favourite report of all time is here. Enjoy.

P.P.S : To the lovely gentleman who sent me an email pointing out that the picture on my last post of the warring pandas is photoshopped, I KNOW. Eegit.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Holidays and Happy Hookers

Roite, I'm off ( well almost ). On Wednesday I am heading for the Isle of Man, returning to sunny Ayrshire to empty my suitcase unceremoniously into the laundry basket before refilling with pieces of cloth masquerading as clothes which would make The Mothers' eyes roll in the back of her head, then it's off to Turkey. All in all I won't be back in Glasgae until Tuesday the 25th, just in time to erect the electric fencing and trip wires for the little darlings at Halloween. ( Aside from the local "nice" children, we also get an influx of mini-skinheads who "egg yer gaff" if you don't give them cash, so preparation is key. ) I suppose you're wondering why on earth I have a picture of battling pandas to accompany this post ? No reason really, other than I thought it was an awesome picture and I don't see how they hope to avoid extinction if they keep battling each other with light sabres.

I came across this little beauty the other day, it's from the European Women's Lobby and features this video, which quite honestly blew my mind. "Prostitution is a form of violence and oppression", apparently. Yet again, the glaringly obvious has been over looked, that is - the community of sex workers who are happy in their work, although according to Julie Bindel the "Happy Hooker" is a myth. If this is to be a movement lobbying for women's rights, what about my rights as a woman to work perfectly legally as an escort ? What about my right to earn a living and support my family ? Oh wait, those rights don't sit well with their moral values, so they can't be of any consequence.

The Sex Worker Open University have penned a reply to that video and I've included a quote for you below which I think is rather brilliant.

"The European Women's Lobby has recently launched a campaign called Together For a Europe Free from Prostitution.

Their view of the sex industry is once more reducing women to victims, and prostitution to a system of violence against women. Once more, some women sitting in comfortable chairs in some official EU building are deciding what we should or should not do with our bodies. Once more, we are being silenced and victimised. Once more, our voices are being confiscated and we are not sex workers anymore but prostituted women.

That's enough.

We want to show them that sex work is work. This is how we make a living. This is how we pay our rent, our bills, our sex changes and our children's studies.
Those are our decisions. Our bodies. Our voices. Our lives.

We are from all genders and races.

Stop invisibilising trans women and men from the debate on sex work. Invisibilising us is a form of violence and discrimination.
Stop pretending that sex work is only male to female penetration. The services we offer are as varied as we are. Sex, companionship, BDSM, fetish.... Sex is not disgusting and the only thing that makes us sick is your insulting and degrading video.

To stop exploitation and abuse in the sex industry, we need to be heard. We want rights--human and labour rights, not more criminalisation. Criminalising our clients will only force us to work in more underground and less safe conditions.

You care about sex workers? You want us to stay alive? Listen to us now!
Stop victimising us. Stop criminalising us. Stop silencing us."

Fantastic, when I come back from holidays feeling less like I've been run over by a roads lorry from Glasgow City Council I will put pen to paper too.

In the meantime, farewell Steve Jobs. Like them or loathe them, Apple have been incredibly successful and Steve Jobs was a visionary - I love this quote from him;

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped my dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

LL xx

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Mad Scientists and Melissa Farley

Good evening, I'm in Inverness and up to my stocking tops in it and after the last gent who thought reverse oral meant planking his hairy derriere on my face, suffice to say I'm really looking forward to my holiday in two weeks. ( Is it true that the age of consent in Turkey is 13 ? If so I will not allow my little princess to leave my side for a moment, and woe betide any fecker who so much as looks her way, I hope he enjoys picking up his teeth on the way out. )

I need to ask for your help in a relatively tame matter for once, I'm looking for the name and author of a book which I heard discussed on Radio 4. It's a new publication detailing the lives and methods of various mad ( but brilliant ) scientists, including the man who invented the first heart stent. Apparently, he couldn't find anyone else to experiment on, so he began dating a theatre nurse. He convinced her to let him use the theatre late one night so he could insert the stent in his own heart, after which he WALKED up to the X-ray department to gain photographic evidence of his work. It also talks about the number of inventions that have been born of LSD, it sounds like a fascinating read. If anyone knows the book I'm referring to, please email me or leave a comment, I will be most grateful.

You may recall a couple of weeks ago I was complaining loudly about Melissa Farley and her complete lack of professionalism when it comes to her "research". Well, it would seem that a group of sex workers and psychologists have moved to have the APA rescind her membership and not before time. The basis for the complaint is as follows -

Over the years, Dr Farley has published a number of papers and documents about sex work, making claims that all sex work is a form of violence against women. She has used several of her studies to back this up. In 2008 Dr Farley published the paper What Really Happened in New Zealand after Prostitution was Decriminalized in 2003? on her website critiquing the Report of the Prostitution Law Review Committee. This critique contains several errors of fact that appear to be deliberately designed to mislead people. Many of the false allegations made by Dr Farley in this paper have been repeated by her in her efforts to stigmatise sex workers and keep them criminal. Dr Farley appears to have read the complete report, but has only reported or critiqued those parts that match her ideology. In investigating her comments on this paper further, it was discovered that Dr Farley had completed research in New Zealand in 2003 without seeking ethical approval from the New Zealand Psychological Society (NZPsS). It was also discovered that during the course of this research, she
claimed to be able to diagnose sex workers as having post traumatic stress disorder, despite using a flawed questionnaire, and not doing in depth interviews.

It is noted that Dr Farley has also completed other studies overseas, and investigations this year indicate that she never sought ethical approval, and sought to deliberately deceive the groups who facilitated the research for her. She has also been cited as an expert witness, yet the testimony given is false or misleading. Finally, the Canadian courts have found Dr Farley to be a less than reliable witness, finding her evidence “to be problematic”. For the reasons in the text below, I believe her work is unethical, unbecoming of a psychologist, and is in breach of at least sections 5.01 and 8.10 of the APA’s Code of Ethics, perhaps more. I believe that because of these breaches, Dr Farley should be removed from the membership of the APA.

All good things come to those who wait. ;)

LL xx

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Horses, holidays and harangues

Good evening and greetings from Inverness. I'm not on tour, rather I'm in Amanda's kitchen, recovering from a trip to Jimmy Chung's all you can eat buffet which would put Bessie Bunter to perpetual shame. I decided to take the weekend off and chill out, so today we took our little people horse riding and then sat in Inverness giving each other surreptitious grins and looks every time we clocked a lesser spotted client almost going through a lampost at the apparition of us in jeans, with children and to be honest, smelling like stables. Wonderful stuff.

When I moved to Scotland, I was horrified to discover that Irish people are known as "thick micks" and have a reputation for being incredibly, um .... dense. I have to tell you, the Irish passport office in London don't do us any favours. I sent our passports down to be updated prior to our forthcoming trip to Turkey and I'm surprised they didn't ask for a DNA sample, it was a fecking farce. I had to sign a declaration to say I'm the Mother of my little darling, in spite of the fact I was her Mother when they issued her last passport, and despite the recent influx of Brad Pitt and his extended family, I remain so. I am firmly convinced that one of the requirements for employment at the passport office is to show an IQ akin to that of an aubergine. Ho hum. Speaking of holidays, Susan is winging her way back from The Dominican Republic on Sunday and she has had a wonderful time, the temperatures were in the thirties every day and she swam with dolphins, it must have been awesome. I'm not sure if she'll join me in Inverness on the 3rd but she'll almost certainly be with me in Belfast.

Next week I'm off to Englandshire with one of my guys and I'm not back until Saturday, I'm looking forward to it immensely, we have some real fun planned of the "must not mention in blog" variety, discretion being the better part of valour, innit ? In the meantime I have some very limited availability in sunny Glasgow from Monday to Wednesday, please book in advance or else I cannae see you.

Finally, I happened to be watching This Morning recently and there was an interview with a girl who was coerced into working as a prostitute from the age of 13 in an Edinburgh sauna. Many emotions came up when I was watching that interview, of course I felt pity, empathy, a maternal protective urge, amongst many others. Overall though, the one thing I felt was ANGER.

This girl was seduced by an older man who got her hooked on heroin and told her the only way to pay off her debt was to work it off in the brothel. During the interview she was accompanied by her Mother. Now, I'm not nominating myself for "Milupa Mother Of The Year" or anything, but at the same time, at least I know exactly what is going on in my daughter's life, although I appreciate she is younger. See, I get that the girl worked the backshift in the parlour from 5pm until 10pm and she was told what to say when she went home, I'm ALMOST understanding that. However, hooked on heroin and the Mother didn't notice ? REALLY ?? I'm sorry, but something stinks there. ( I really wish I could provide you with a link but I've searched high and low for a clip and I can't find it. )

What struck me during the interview is that the girl concerned said that she felt the answer was to shut ALL saunas in Edinburgh. She said that the clients were normal respectable men who ran local businesses, and that some of the girls who were working there were doing so of their own volition. Right, call me a thick mick if you will, but what purpose would closing the saunas serve ? The answer here lies firmly with the parlour owner and the parents. If the saunas were closed, all that would happen would be a shift from recognised establishments into underground grotty flats where it would be impossible to reach those who so desperately need help.

If prostitution were to be decriminalised, then regular checks could be conducted by the police and that girl's trauma would never have happened. Parlour owners would be required to check ID and further, to check that the ladies are working of their own volition.

I do apologise, but as a "thick mick", to me that makes perfect sense.

LL xx

Monday, 12 September 2011

Inverness and Information Update

Good evening and greetings from Inverness where I have landed having run the gauntlet with the tail end of Hurricane Irene on the A9. God it's good to be back, gurning at truckers and racing idiots in their Corsas with two exhausts, ( I don't race them by the way, I just put my car into third gear which is usually sufficient ). Anyway, I mentioned I was taking some time off to look after some "real life" issues. That went well, NOT. No sooner had I decided to down tools than I became very ill, very quickly. Perhaps my "corpus" was trying to send me a message. Well, said message was received and understood and following extensive nagging from my nearest and dearest I took the week off and retreated to my boudoir with boy cat where I fell deeply in love with Terry Pratchett. I have started reading "Mort" and have been chortling aloud in various coffee shops and waiting areas ever since. That phrase " ..he couldn't find his own arse with both hands ..", the man is a genius.

Last Saturday I was with J for the weekend and we pottered around Glasgow, ending up in Kelvin grove Museum. I love that place, for some reason every time I go I manage to see something new and this time was no exception. We found the picture I've included for you above. Apparently, this was painted in 1672 by Matthijs Naiveu and is a depiction of a brothel. Right, for the hard of thinking among us ( and that includes moi ) the woman seated is in fact, a prostitute. She is performing on her instrument ( insert completely inappropriate quip here ) to lure her customers into her "lair" as it were. Is it just me or would she not be better just removing one of the 72 layers of clothing she seems to be wearing ? I mean I'm not advocating nudity, some of the top ladies in this industry wouldn't dream of showing their passion cushions on their websites and yet they are still very successful. But really, a skirt down to the toes ? Perhaps that's why there are several centuries between us.

From the past to the future now and you should be able to see that I have done my availability diary from now until the end of October. I will be touring very little in October, that's because I am off to the Isle of Man with Mr. F for five days and then immediately after that, I'm off to Turkey on my family holidays. Two good bits of news on the availability front though - firstly I will be visiting Milton Keynes for one day only on Friday 7th October and will be doing incalls during the day. Also, it is now possible to visit me in Ayrshire, however - this is only if I have met you before or you have have checkable feedback.

Speaking of feedback, a huge thank you to the gent I met today who left me a lovely report here and secondly thank you also to the man who travelled two hours to Inverness to meet me and thrust a box of chocs into my hand. I've eaten eleven of them so far and to be honest I feel quite ill now.

Sometimes I think my ten year old has more sense.

LL xx

( Fret not, on my time off I spied plenty of material for quality rants, I just need to find the time to comb through them one by one. )

Friday, 26 August 2011

Dundee and Doggy Tales

So that was Dundee and what a hoot was had by all, including one unsuspecting gentleman. My room was the very last in the corridor, by the fire escape.

Client number three announced his arrival by phone ( by then I was fairly tired ) so I dusted myself down, applied lip gloss and headed to the door. There was a peephole on the door which looked into the corridor and how I could tell said client was approaching was when the heavy fire door half-way down the corridor banged shut.

Through the peephole I spied him, a suited and booted guy approaching so I opened the door in a black satin robe, stockings, "fecking hell" hair, massive heels and a grin that would put any Cheshire cat to shame.

Fabulous, except he wasn't my client but the guy staying in the room opposite.


To make matters worse, after said innocent hotel guest had almost impaled himself on his briefcase handle with the fright, REAL client showed up and hammered on my door, bellowing ...

"LAURA !!"

I could have lynched him, but as it turns out we have a lot in common, mainly a deep love of animals. I've long thought that if I could surround myself with animals for the rest of my life I would be the happiest woman on earth, it's people I find difficult ( with some notable exceptions, of course ). The reasoning behind it is this, animals don't bitch - they don't know how to. It's one of two reactions -

1. You fed me and rubbed my belly, ergo I love you and I'm going to lick you, whether you like it or not.

2. You annoyed me / stood on my paw, ergo I'm going to bite you, HARD. It's OK though, because we'll be friends again within the hour.

See ? Simplicity at it's most splendid.

So, Mr. Client was telling me ( in the after-glow ) that for many years he has been a long haul driver, ( he was just passing through ) all achieved with a very small and very cute companion in the shape of a terrier. He LOVED that dog, they travelled all over Europe together and were inseparable. One weekend he noticed the dog was not himself and was off his food, so he decided to keep an eye on him and postpone his boy's night out. By the second night, the poor creature couldn't make it up the stairs, so this man, all 6 foot 2 of him, brought the dog's bed downstairs to the fireplace in the living room and curled up beside him to sleep. At some point during the night the dog gave a couple of loud yelps and was clearly in pain so my guy held him close and said "Close your eyes son, it's time to go".

Sure enough, by morning time the dog had passed away. By the time he had finished his tale, both myself and my guy were sitting on the side of my bed, sobbing uncontrollably, made worse by the fact that he had pictures of him on his phone to accompany the narrative. All in all, it was a very surreal experience and I really hope he bites the bullet and gets another puppy.

Back to normality then ( whatever that is ) and I'm preparing for my tour to Perth next week before I go on sabbatical for a bit. I really don't know how long I'll be away as yet but I plan to get back to the wonderful world of floozying as soon as I can. Meanwhile I face the enormous task of trying to get my books in order for my accountant, this year I have decided to be ruthless and claim for every can of diet coke and snickers consumed whilst on tour which means I have a mountain of receipts to be sorted through. To compound my anxieties, The Mother has announced her intention to conduct the bi-annual inspection during my time off too, so I will be on a cleaning frenzy to boot. Marvellous.

Catch up with you fae Perth.

LL xx

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Reports and Remonstrations

Good evening and greetings from Belfast where I am chilling out after an assiduous couple of days. I've been on the tour trail which I love, Susan and I had a blast in Carlisle, I met a new gentleman who wanted to experience domination, I think he got a little more than he bargained for ( ahem ), he has written me a review here. On arrival in Belfast I met one of my regular guys who is deliciously deviant like moi, and thanks to him I have some brand spanking new toys and a review on Escort Ireland too, here. Thank you Sir, it's always a pleasure but you knew that anyway. ;)

For the remainder of this month I will be visiting Dundee and then Perth, the more perceptive of you will have gathered that I've not done my September availability diary / tour dates yet. "Real life" has caught up with me again and I have some commitments to fulfill which just for once, don't involve custard or butt plugs. So, the likelihood is that I will do some visits in September, you'll know as soon as I do when I'm back in circulation.

I don't think it's to anyone's detriment that I'm taking some time out, if nothing else it will keep the homicide rate on the west coast of Scotland down. I really am losing the will to live when it comes to some "enquiries".

"I seen (sic) your website, gonnae gies some details ?"

Now, I'm sorry to use the analogy of a restaurant again, but sometimes it's just easier to do it the lazy way. Take, if you will, my favourite Glasgow restaurant at the Hotel Du Vin. They have gone to the trouble of creating a website which explains quite clearly where they are located, what kind of fayre is on offer, how to book and they've even included pictures and given the option of "private dining", ( highly recommended by the way ). Do you think, given that level of information provided, that one would telephone them and say - "You do grub, aye ? Gonnae gies some details ?" As professional as they are, I can actually imagine the head waiter giving some indications from the menu as a suggestion. Where it goes from the sublime to the ridiculous is when the afore mentioned statement is followed up by -

"The fried duck egg, foie gras & c├Ępes bordelaise is £8.75, aye ? Ach you'll do it for a fiver."

This, readers, is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I kid you not.
It's all I can do to stop myself from bawling at the caller and pointing out that I have prepared the fecking website for a fecking reason and all the fecking information they need is right there, in front of their fecking noses. ( I told you I was cranky ).
Very gently then, we'll move on to the list of excuses as to why they haven't fully digested the details on the website. It's not because they just clicked on the pictures, prices and then noted the phone number, OH NO.

"My friend gave me your number".

Right, let's be honest about this, this is Glasgow, hardly the most liberalised society in existence. So no, you didn't have a conversation with your friend at the water cooler in the office along the lines of -

"Whit did ye get up tae at the weekend, ye nugget ?"

"Funny you should ask me that, I met a lovely lady who happens to be an escort, and if you should ever find yourself with some free time, look her up. She's terribly friendly and the best news is, she can string a sentence together and doesn't resemble Vikki Pollard."

The standard reply to that one is - "Perhaps you might like to go back to your 'friend' who will no doubt furnish you with my website address, which should address all the "Holy Grail" questions you so desperately seek.".

Next - "Ahm on ma fone, so ah am."

Super. So am I, most of the time and I think you'll find that alongside the pictures and phone number you just accessed is an informative database that tells you all you need to know. Gonnae view it.

I'm done complaining, I promise. Erudite and verbose gentlemen always welcome, in the meantime, I shall enjoy the "craic" with the neds. I must mention, thanks to Amy , I now have a Blackberry which blocks all withheld numbers, any numbers of my choice, and texts too. On top of that, I've just discovered the setting in google mail which automatically dumps emails from certain addresses, *cough* - they go straight to the bin, fecking marvellous.

LL xx

Friday, 29 July 2011

Inverness and illogical "studies"

I am back at the helm after a week which involved a trip to the Highlands with one of my guys and then several days off, to allow me to catch up with studies and the important task of watching Scooby-Doo 2 with the little light of my life ( utter meadow muffin but the inclusion of Sarah Michelle Gellar made it bearable ). Tomorrow I am having a day long dalliance with a man who enjoys nothing more than complete recumbency in his outdoor hot tub, I'm shaving my legs as we speak. On Monday I'm off to bonnie Inverness with the delectable Susan and whilst there I will also have the chance to catch up with Amanda who like yours truly has survived her house move and is now back doing outcalls. We haven't quite tempted her back out on the tour circuit yet, but if nothing else I am an accomplished and very adept nag, so you never know.

Meanwhile, I see Melissa Farley has been expatiating on "how the burgeoning demand for porn and prostitutes is warping personal relationships and endangering women and girls." Surely she means "saving personal relationships and empowering women" ? Apparently not. Ms. Farley is a clinical psychologist who is the author of several studies of prostitutes, which claim high rates of post-traumatic stress disorder among the women studied. Of course the fact that she is also an "extreme feminist" ( to put it kindly ) and an anti-prostitution activist may just have SOME influence on her research, wouldn't you say ?

The link to the article is here, hosted rather shamefully by Newsweek, rather than The National Enquirer, which is where it belongs, right next to the story about Elvis being alive and well and working on an oil rig just off the coast of Aberdeen. Strap yourselves in for this quote -

"Overall, the attitudes and habits of sex buyers reveal them as men who dehumanize and commodify women, view them with anger and contempt, lack empathy for their suffering, and relish their own ability to inflict pain and degradation."

REALLY ? The next time I have my slave bitch hog tied and gagged I'll remind him that he is lacking in empathy for my suffering.

It goes on to say -

“Prostitution can get you to think that things you may have done with a prostitute you should expect in a mutual loving relationship,” said one john who was interviewed. Such beliefs inspire anger toward other women if they don’t comply, impairing men’s ability to sustain relationships with nonprostitutes.

What rubbish. If anything, I have heard over and over again about how a visit to an escort has helped a client overcome crippling shyness or performance anxiety and in that way has enhanced both his sex life and his confidence levels.

As a psychologist, Ms. Farley should recognise that the basis for any good piece of research is complete objectivity, a significant facet of academia that seems to have passed her by. She is also one of the co-authors of the "Challenging Men’s Demand for
Prostitution in Scotland" study which was published by the Women’s Support Project in 2008. From that report comes this conclusion ;

"Once viewed as a form of violence against women stemming from sex inequality, prostitution is best understood as a transaction in which there are two roles: exploiter/predator and victim/prey. Since there is a vast power differential between the punter and the woman he buys in terms of her poverty, social status, abuse history, and often immigration status, the women (or men) who are purchased in prostitution would not be categorised as criminals because they are victims."

If Ms. Farley and her co-authors genuinely believe that all prostitutes are victims, then they haven't "best understood" prostitution at all, merely created a hypothesis with no firm attestation or supporting evidence.


Sunday, 24 July 2011

Ebay and an elegiac lament

Before I head off into the wilds of The Highlands for a couple of days frivolity I thought I'd share this with you simply because I think it's hilarious. It's a guy selling a watch on Ebay and his sense of humour is brilliant, check out this description ;

If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can't be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me - Oh how extravagant of her -"Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I'll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve" By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that's what I said she should be in the circus. "Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart"

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend's body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus - LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS - As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.

The link is here, read the questions and answers too, it's a hoot.

Finally, rest in peace Amy Winehouse, what a waste of a young talented lady.
To those people on Twitter and Facebook calling her a "stupid junkie bitch" and a "mongo" ( to use some of the better terms ), I hope you never have to fight an addiction the way she did, when she wasn't afforded the privacy to do it and there were those who willed her to fail. SHAME ON YOU.

LL xx

Thursday, 14 July 2011

...and it's a goodbye from them.

I don't think many of us who work in the sex industry will mourn the loss of the News of the World. This is a publication which routinely ruined the lives of many ladies all in the name of selling papers to those who can't be said to list high browed intellectualism as one of their attributes. Aside from myself, I know of several ladies who have in the past been "doorstepped" and it is a horrifying experience. Your first thoughts are always for your children and how protecting them must be paramount in your decision making process. I have always thought that the reporters who outed ladies had the morals of a seal pup skin collector, caring not a jot for the feelings of the lady, her family, her friends and most importantly her children. I was right.

Whilst it is true that from time to time I speak to the press, there is an immeasurable difference between talking to a journalist about proposed changes to the legislation concerning sex workers and having your personal details splashed all over page 8, together with photographs. Following on from the last piece I did, a magazine called and tendered £400 ( WOW !! ) for a story about what it's like to be a "real" escort. I told them I would be delighted to speak to them provided that they maintained my anonymity, allowed me to mention Trish Godman and what she was trying to rush through Holyrood and if I could donate my fee to a women's charity. I never heard from them again.

When reading the NOTW's self-righteous pieces on "fallen" women, the one thing which struck me was that they would always choose the lady's lowest rate, so as to cheapen her to the penultimate level. She could charge £5,000 for a week, for example, but the headline would scream "£150 AN HOUR SLEAZY VICE GIRL". Vile journalism at it's best.

Let there be no misunderstandings about this, were they to "out" me, I would sue without hesitation, calling in every lawyer I know and touring until my legs fell off to pay for it if necessary. As far as I'm concerned, if I take measures to protect my identity on my website and don't parade my face all over the internet, then I have expressed a desire for privacy and it is a privacy I am entitled to.

Of late there had been an upsurge in the comments left by ordinary members of the public when such "stories" were published, such as "leave her alone, what she's doing is quite legal and your expose is not in the public interest" and I must admit I had begun to take heart. Finally, ( I thought ) common decency had begun to prevail. I was still in no way prepared for the huge outcry following the latest allegations against News International, it was people power at it's finest. If what is alleged is true, it is quite simply one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. To hack into the phones of people who have already suffered as the family members of murder victims, those who fought and died for our country, not to mention high level corruption with alleged payments to police is beyond any reasonable description I could conjure up. It is the one scandal which has united the country in outrage and a demand for answers.

Perhaps now, these people will know what it feels like to experience social exclusion and stigma. In their predicament however, it is entirely warranted and richly deserved.

LL xx

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

A letter to Graham Norton

Graham Norton has long held a fascination for me, not least because he's Irish. From the first moment he danced onto our screens as a hyper-active Irish dancing priest on "Father Ted", I was hooked.

Incidentally, I once spied Dermot Morgan who played Ted in Searson's Pub on Baggot Street in Dublin, enjoying a quiet pint and reading the paper, or at least he was until I ingratiated myself into his body space. " I know you must get this all the time, but I absolutely LOVED Father Ted, a call girl in the bath with the bishop, sheer genius." "Thanks". So that was that really, I slunk back to my seat to my friends who had completely given up and were pretending they'd never seen me before in their lives.

Back to Mr. Norton, every Saturday morning he has a radio show which I listen to ( if I'm not slinking out of a hotel or ferrying several pink princesses around fulfilling their busy diaries ) and one of the regular features is listener problems, where people write in for advice from Mr. Norton and the great British public too. It makes for real entertainment, not so much the "problems", but the suggested solutions are always a hoot. I have finally thought of a letter which I think he might read out. Here goes -

Dear Graham,

Firstly let me say I am a huge fan of the show, not in a "I'm your number one fan" creepy/stalkerish way obviously, but you get what I mean.

I have an idea I'd like to run past you, it's not a problem per se, more a suggestion, let me know what you think.

We all know the devastating effect that the credit crunch has had on our economy in recent times and I'm sure The BBC haven't exactly been immune to the effects of it either, otherwise why on earth would BBC4 screen - "Teenage Kicks: The Search for Sophistication" ? Anyway, I have a cunning plan to save some money.

( You'll forgive the language in the next part of my letter, but sometimes only one word will do. )

The weather in Scotland is shite, we all know it's shite and it doesn't take Mystic Meg to "forecast" that it's going to be shite in the future. In real terms, the forecast could be covered admirably in two sentences ; "Everywhere in the UK will be lovely today with the exception of Scotland where it will hammer down with rain and sleet and it might snow too. In July." So, why bother including Scotland in the weather forecast at all ? Simply skip it, everyone up here is too depressed to notice or even care anyway and you can free up valuable air time to sell more advertising, thus generating more income for The Beeb. Brilliant !!

I realise this is a fairly radical suggestion but look forward to your reply.

Yours in abject admiration,


I'll let you know if I get a reply.

Just to mention, my new pictures are now on my site too as of yesterday - right here.
I'm off to Inverness in the morning where men are men and sheep are in counselling, allegedly. Catch up with you from there.

LL xx

Thieving and Tom Hanks

I have a bit of a confession to make, I am nothing but a common thief.

In case you think I've finally lost it, I'm not talking about money or valuables, no. I have a penchant for stealing crisp white towels. I CAN'T HELP IT. I've tried to work through the reasoning for this in my head, with little or no success thusfar. Was I denied towels as a child ? No. Can I afford to buy my own bloody towels ? Of course. Be that as it may, I still have enough towels ( acquired from various four star hostelries) to start a small but flourishing bed and breakfast business. Oh, the shame.

It gets worse though, recently I have extended my repertoire to include pencils. Not just any old pencils though, only the ones with a rubber on top. ( They're awfully useful for pencilling in appointments which may change, hence the rubber requirement. ) In my defence, the towels thing started because I always like to make sure my guys have a clean towel for their shower, so I bring extra towels with me when I head off on tour. Previous statement accepted, there is still no need for 329 towels, even if I had a showering fetish I'd never get through them all. In reality I think I'd make a rubbish thief because good old Catholic guilt eats away at me sometimes and I imagine the receptionist saying as I leave ...

"There she goes, the towel thief. Some people have no standards." ( I couldn't care less if they muse about whether or not I'm an escort, but a towel thief ? Mortified. )

Anyway, I'm in Carlisle in absolutely beautiful sunshine, touring is worth it for the weather alone. ( That reminds me, I've finally thought of a good reason to write to Graham Norton, blog post to follow. ) I was watching The Graham Norton show recently and he was interviewing Tom Hanks. Now, I've always loved Tom Hanks, he is a fabulous actor, very versatile and convincing and if I'm being honest I howled at the end of "Forest Gump". Recently though, he has gone up in my estimations no end. He has this new movie out you see, which he wrote and directed himself, co-starring Julia Roberts.

So, here is a man who quite fancied several snogs with Julia Roberts and who wouldn't ? ( Does that woman EVER age ? Grrr. ) So what does he do ? He writes a film script in which she plays his love interest, not only that, but he directs the film so he can dictate how many takes he needs of each scene. Clever, huh ? Not only does he get away with snogging Julia Roberts to the point of erotic asphyxiation ( in spite of the fact he's married ) but he'll probably get a feckin' award for it too !! I can see his wife now, beaming from ear to ear with pride as she watches him bask in the glory of his achievement.

So what's next for our Tom ?

"Hey Demi, I've had the most amazing idea for a film, you and I play naked castaways on a desert island after a mass flood has killed most people and the only hope for the continuity of the species is if we do it, like, constantly."

Whatever about an award for his film, Tom Hanks should surely get an award for ingenuity.

LL xx

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

A request for help and Amy Winehouse

Evening all and greetings from Newcastle where I am chilling out with a double-mocca-chocca-crap coffee type thingy and some cookies, way to go.

I need to ask for your help again I'm afraid, and there's only 24 hours in which to do it.

The government are asking for some input into how much they should invest into the policing of prostitution.

Policing Priorities survey - introduction at,1

Given the financial constraints that police forces face, the Committee would like to hear which areas of work you think the police should prioritise and which areas of work you think should be a lower priority.

How much of a priority should tackling prostitution be for the police?,1,137

The deadline is tomorrow, ( I know, I'm sorry ) so please go and have your say.
I see the anti's have found it already, take this little belter -

"It depends what you mean by consensual. The figures show that most sex workers have a background of some form of abuse; a disproportionate number have been in care, have a substance abuse habit, and are severely traumatised by the work they do. The work itself exposes them to people who are willing to threaten, beat, and rape them. Many are trafficked into the trade, suggesting that coercion is necessary - hardly a sign that people are willing to stay for the perks.
If you mean that, even accepting that most are damaged by their background, nonetheless they have freely decided to make their living this way, research shows that if asked, the vast majority would like to leave it - and tellingly, I've never met anyone who wanted their daughter or mother or adolescent son to become a sex worker, even among those who like you say it's an entirely consensual activity."

Yes, the usual drivel trotted out with no offer of proof or statistics to back it up.


As a complete aside, you have to feel sorry for Amy Winehouse. The woman is going through enough with trying to deal with her own demons without her management team wheeling her out on stage to deliver a performance when she was seriously bladdered. Jesus wept, what were they thinking ? It's not nice to make an exhibition of someone who is clearly suffering and in need of help. Given that she was heckled off the stage anyway and refused payment for the appearance, not to mention the fact that the whole audience were refunded, quite what was the point in allowing her to perform in that condition in the first place ? It's car crash viewing, and shame on the people who allowed that to happen.

Rant over. :)

LL xx