Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Continuances, celebrations and chipmunks

For those of you following the debate I blogged about last time, it continues here ;


When I say continues, it's more like banging your head against a brick wall, there are some people who really can't see the wood for the trees and no amount of logic or reasonable argument will deter them from their original goal which is the eradication of prostitution in all it's forms, regardless of who really suffers in the process. Grrr. I'm just really glad that I had the opportunity to say what I really wanted to say in the aftermath. Isn't it always the case that when you walk away from an argument ( sorry, debate ) that you think; "I wish I'd said that" ?

As strange as this may sound, I always knew I'd be a whore. ( It's ok, I've reclaimed that word to it's original definition. ) I watched every documentary and film about it and was fascinated with the strong sassy women I perceived to be a part of the industry. For the most part, that was right on the money.

The reason I organise regular ladies socials is it's absolutely brilliant to see ladies go through the preliminary polite hand shaking thing, and a couple of glasses of wine later, we're all falling off our stools laughing at the tale of the man who comes on the first Friday of every month with a pot of natural honey and some yellow marigolds. As whores, we share an understanding that no-one else will ever "get", like first time mothers meeting up at a mother and baby group. Only other members of that sacred circle will know where you're coming from. To my mind, when we are coming under fire from so many other sources, it's good to know that we have a core of empathetic and understanding colleagues to rely on.

So aside from that, what have I been up to ? Well, I've been studying my backside off for an assignment that's due for submission in ten days. Hurrah for me, a ten day deadline is unheard of, it's normally 2 days avec caffeine.

Also, Happy Birthday to us !! Who ? Moi and Big Rick of course. He's been coming to see me for a year in Aberdeen now and when he came to see me last time, he went to the trouble of bringing a birthday cake and some champagne. I've never had an escort birthday before but it was wonderful. Thank you Rick, I've attached the picture.

This coming Thursday Amanda and I are in Edinburgh for the day doing incalls and I can't wait. She doesn't know it yet but I'm dragging her off to The Vaults, which I love. It's an underground maze of the old streets of Edinburgh and reputedly haunted. As I've said before, I don't mind the real deal, but I cannot stand men in bloodied make-up jumping out at me in the dark. The next day we're leaving my car at my house and doing a joint drive to Southampton. Yes, Southampton. ROAD TRIP. We'll take it in turns to drive and I know we'll have a laugh and a half on the way.

In the meantime, my little darling has been doing a project on "The Titanic" in school. We've had the film on ad nauseum here, and the song by Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" is being sung, over and over again. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful song ( which I used to love ) but on the forty seventh performance, it kinda wears thin. That combined with the fact that she is singing it falsetto so that she sounds like "Alvin and The Chipmunks" makes for a Mother that is looking forward to throwing herself out a window, never mind looking forward to going back on tour.


LL xxx

Friday, 25 September 2009

Glasgow Debate : 24/09/09

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that there were a couple of us floozies attending a meeting which I didn't want to say too much about. Well, it took place last night and all I can say is it was the biggest eye opener I've had for a long time. It was a debate entitled "Give prostitution the red light ?" In short, it was a discussion about the possible implementation of a law making it illegal for a man to pay for sex. It was chaired by Alex Bell and had as panelists :

Bill Skelly : HM Inspectorate of Constabulary for Scotland
Catherine Stephens : A working girl and an activist with the International Union of Sex Workers
Julie Bindel : Feminist and Guardian journalist
Roger Matthews : Professor of Criminology in London
Margo MacDonald MSP was also due to attend but unfortunately had to cancel.

The only escorts to attend were myself, Highland Amanda and Melanie Head-Girl. We were very, very nervous and sought the organiser's guarantees that there would be no press present at the debate. As soon as we entered the auditorium we were greeted with flashing bulbs which set me on edge, but it was a photographer for the Equality and Human Rights Commission and having been introduced to us all was well.

As soon as the debate opened, I could see the direction it was going to take. It was very much geared towards street workers and the problems they face on a daily basis, which nobody will deny are abhorrent and should never have to endured by any woman. The entire room was in agreement that trafficking can and must be eradicated in all it's forms, but Melanie made a very valuable point. Aside from the obvious influx of trafficked women in the UK at present, we also have a large number of migrant sex workers. These women are here by choice, all one has to do is visit any London escort agency gallery to see the large variety of Eastern European women advertised. Does this fact colour the statistics for trafficked women ?

Roger Matthews spoke about his findings in research he did, however it soon became apparent that his research was dated and also solely based on street workers.

Bill Skelly spoke about the policing aspect and I must admit I was very impressed with his perspective. His main concern was harm to the person, be they a street worker, client or any other classification of person you care to name.

Catherine Stephens was in short, wonderful. In many respects she was like a tasty morsel thrown to the lions and I thought she held her composure and answered even the most ridiculous of questions with a degree of dignity that would put a Royal to shame.

The self-appointed star of the show was Julie Bindel. Familiar though I am with her opinions and her self satisfied universal declarations, nothing could have prepared me for the vitriolic rants she subjected the audience to. She referred to the sex industry as a "despicable industry" to begin with. One could say the same of journalists, but there we are. This is also the woman who referred to The Netherlands as a "cesspit". As Bill Skelly quite rightly pointed out, I'm sure they'll be thrilled with that description.

Catherine Stephens quite rightly pointed out that she has been working for nine years and thoroughly enjoys her job. Yes, there are bad days and there are idiots, but on the whole she feels no regret for entering her chosen profession. Julie Bindel on the other hand, views such ladies as deluded victims. She said that there can be no differentiation between the desperate drug addicted woman on the street and your average "happy hooker". How obscene.

You see, I agree with Catherine on one crucial point, when attempting to pass any legislation, due consideration must be given to all aspects of the industry concerned. It's simply not acceptable to allude to the fact that we are all victims, that we have all been subjected to some form of mass delusion. As Catherine quite rightly pointed out, we are the invisible women. We are not the desperate, pimped and drug addicted women that you may come into contact with in an Accident and Emergency environment. Neither are we the "£10,000 a night coke fuelled romp" ladies that the press love to report. No, we are ordinary, decent, hard working ladies who are also mothers, daughters, sisters, friends and lovers. In the mind of Julie Bindel, we do not exist.

In short, why does a man hating, political feminist feel she is suitably qualified to pass judgement on heterosexual women ? It simply doesn't make sense to me. As part of her speech last night she also alluded to the fact that she speaks for feminists everywhere. That is quite simply a complete fabrication. There are many feminists who celebrate the empowerment of women to make the choice to enter the sex industry, as can be seen here : http://www.harlots-parlour.com/

Finally, I would like to ask Bill Skelly, if the current proposal does become law, how on earth do the police propose to enforce it at our level in the industry ? Are they going to intercept escorts and their clients leaving the country at airports ? I was quite incensed to learn that under the current legislation, my leaving the country with Mr F recently for Spain qualifies as trafficking. What a farce. I have the greatest of difficulties at times in controlling myself, let alone anyone else stepping up to the task.

Julie Bindel at least had the good grace to acknowledge the fact that there is still a lot of stigma and social exclusion associated with the industry. The irony is, with bigots like her abounding, it's not likely to recede any time soon.

LL xx

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Salacious soirees, Signs, Salami and Standards

So I've arrived back from Spain and I had a wonderful time. We were based in Catalonia in a beautiful villa by the shore and the weather was absolutely idyllic, but for one day. Having psychologically steeled myself for the "Gecko" experience, I am bitterly disappointed to report that I saw ONE of them whilst I was there and he was tiny and just scuttled off into the under growth. On the other hand I did get to see some local ladies of a very friendly nature ply their trade by the side of the road. They occupy a stretch of road that runs from Figueres to Gerona and they sit in white plastic deck chairs waiting for business. Passing motorists can tell if they are temporarily engaged because their chairs will be tipped upside down to indicate that they will be back shortly. One of the ladies in particular was an olive skinned stunner with long jet black hair to her waist and I couldn't help but think that she would do very well as an Independent Escort if she cleaned her act up. Some of her fellow professionals, on the other hand looked in dire need of a long shower and a hot meal. It was a real eye opener.

Aside from lazing around in the sun and digesting books and bottles of chilled wine by the truckload, Mr F and I wanted to see the local sights so we went to Gerona for the day. Our first port of call was the Cathedral, which is quite simply very beautiful. It was wonderful to stroll around the cloisters nattering away and out doing each other with random facts of Catechism. It's built on the grounds of a Roman Temple and is steeped in history. I've attached a picture for you, it is very high up and I think by the time we had seen all of it I was just grateful to have made it up all those steps, and no doubt my Mother will be thrilled I evaded being struck by lightning on entering too.

I've also included a sign for a beauty parlour we came across called "Laura's Institute". It gave us a giggle because apparently at Laura's, facials are a speciality. No chance, hehe.

Following a discussion it was decided I would drive and Mr F would navigate. That system worked well until Mr F decided we were completely lost. Luckily we came across a rather excitable man and his even more excitable poodle by the side of the road and stopped to ask for directions. Rather helpfully, Mr F bellowed in his Yorkshire accent " Pardon Monsieur " and it was only when I stopped giggling I had the heart to remind him that we were in Spain, not France. Never mind, I caught the gist of what the guy was saying and we eventually arrived back at the villa.

The hot weather and cool wine began to take their toll and I decided some alfreso fun might be the order of the day, as the back garden was a secluded affair, lined with mini fir trees. I gave Mr F my most seductive look and bent over the picnic bench in the garden before asking him to "take me from behind". Strangely enough he didn't find the idea overly repugnant and all was going swimmingly until the next door neighbour came out to water his lawn and peek through the hedges simultaneously. If I didn't know better I'd swear he did it on purpose. Meh.

Not to be deterred, we later decided to stroll out for an evening meal and as our path took us down a track with trees on either side I propped my delighted friend up against a large rock in a standing position and took him in my mouth. His face was a picture and the grin he was wearing afterwards was a reminder of why I love what I do.

"You're a bad, bad girl."

"Ha ! You wouldn't have me any other way."

Sorry to say, but our smiles and laughter were relatively short lived when we boarded the flight home, not least because it was the end of a wonderful week. We had chosen to sit in the tail of the plane because I have a belief although it may be completely wrong that if the plane crashes we would be more likely to survive. (Although, knowing my luck we would have come down on The Pyrnees and had to survive by eating our fellow passengers.) Aside from that, the Glasgow equivalent of "The Munsters" had seated themselves en masse behind us and began bawling at each other across the plane. As you do, they had based their entire evening meal plans on a Ryanair menu. For the love of God.



I wanted to bang my head repeatedly on the seat in front of me, gnash my teeth and issue a wail that would rival a banshee. Mr F was very adept at keeping me calm, in fact in the end we both ended up crying with laughter. The service trolley had started in the middle of the aisle and by the time it reached Chelsea, Chardonnay and Destiny at the back there was very little left by way of reheated Aldi's specials to quell their appetites. The matriarch of the clan was the spokesperson and it was easy to see why. Michael O'Leary should look at hiring her to do the announcements at the airport thus saving himself the expense of a PA system.



Funnily enough by the time she had finished her one woman call to arms I had conjured up an image involving her good self and salami, perhaps not quite in the way she imagined. I suppose it's to her credit that she didn't notice the other passengers around her in stitches because she was so busy coughing and hacking into the back of my seat, without covering her mouth, naturally. To be fair I don't think the concept of closing her mouth has ever occurred to her for any reason.

Getting off the plane I noticed Mr O'Leary has gone to the trouble and expense of painting " Bye bye latehansa" on the side of his craft. I'm not sure why that surprised me, but for a "businessman" I thought it was bitchy, childish and at variance with basic expected standards of professionalism.

I think his work ethos sucks, and not in a pleasurable way. ;)


LL xx

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Catalonia, Christmas and Cloak and Dagger

So I'm off to Spain tomorrow for a week with Mr F and I can't wait, I'm looking out of my window whilst doing this blog and it's chucking it down with people battling against high winds with inside-out umbrellas, bleurgh. I'm looking forward to leaving my books behind and having a care free time strolling about in the heat. Tonight will be a combination of packing and last minute beauty treats.

When I come back I have a lot to do, this year's accounts need to be in by Oct 31st and I also have a heavy study schedule ahead too. Well you know what they say, the devil makes work for idle hands. ;)

I'm starting the planning process for this year's ladies night for Christmas too, it should be a lot of fun. I'm looking at locations in Edinburgh because it will make it easier for ladies from Aberdeen and Dundee to join us. I had toyed with the idea of getting a "special Santa", but can you imagine 10 to 15 well oiled escorts and a stripper ? They'll eat the poor guy alive !!! Last year was good but the location for our meal had VERY loud music and personally I can't stand having to shout to make myself heard so I'll choose more carefully this year and visit the location firstly.

In the meantime there are a couple of us floozies will be attending a very special meeting of our own quite soon and I will let you know more about it afterwards. Sorry to be so cloak and dagger but you'll appreciate why when I spill the beans. ;)

So ciao for now and I'll catch up with you when I get back.

LL xx

Saturday, 5 September 2009

Ignoramuses, ice skating and ITV

There are some very "different" people associated with the escorting business, and that's for sure. Last summer when I had an apartment in the centre of Glasgow I had a gentleman come and see me for a brief appointment. I have never been a clock watcher but this man stayed for THREE HOURS. During that time he pumped me for information about any or all of the escorts I know and I told him the bare minimum. He then proceeded to start to tell me all he knew about any of the girls he has ever seen, including their real names, where they live, etc. I stopped him in his tracks and told him I really didn't want to know, it's none of my business.

To distract him a bit I told him a little about myself and finally he left. Last month one of my friends who is London based was touring Glasgow and had the "pleasure" of this gentleman. He proceeded to tell her everything he had learned about me and more on top which he made up. He pulled the same stunt as he did with me and wouldn't leave and to add insult to injury when she started to work on her laptop he stood behind her and tried to read what she was doing.

The best bit of all is that on the day I saw him, he had booked me through the AW booking system and didn't leave me any feedback. Last month I did a day of incalls from a Glasgow hotel and he had the audacity to text me, "Laura remember me ? Could I have an appointment today ?" In your dreams pal. Honestly, there are some bitches in this industry but the men can be worse. It's a shame because the vast majority of guys are lovely and would never dream of asking for personal information, much less compromise a lady's security or privacy. Some people could really do with a hefty slap to the chops. ( I'm tired and irritable, can you tell ? )

Anyway, tomorrow is Sunday and it's a combo of studying and ice skating for me. Yes, ice skating. My little Tasmanian she devil absolutely loves it and has just passed Grade 2 of her figure skating exams. ( I had to get that bit in as a very proud Mum ) She is naturally very lithe and supple and as soon as she hit the ice she just took off. I on the other hand, am like a newborn fawn when I go on the ice, one leg goes east and one goes west and it's at times like that when I thank God for the extra bit of padding on my behind. I'm absolutely determined though, it's not going to get the better of me and tomorrow I WILL do some actual skating without clinging onto the sides with my 8 year old in hysterics.

Speaking of extra padding, I absolutely HAVE to get back to the gym with a vengeance. In my old home town I had a personal trainer who was absolutely fantastic, but around the time I moved to Ayrshire, he moved to London. He used to charge £20 an hour but it was worth every penny because he pushed me to the limit. On hearing my disappointment at losing touch with him, my father was appalled I ever paid that much in the first place and rather gamely offered to chase me around a field with a cattle prod for £10 an hour. Cheers Dad.

The X-Factor is back and I must confess I love it, particularly in the early stages when they have those people on who once sang drunk at a Karaoke night and are convinced they are the next Mariah Carey. Don't these people have friends ? Someone to say "Look, you know I love you and you have many talents, but you CAN'T SING." I have to admit I have a soft spot for Simon Cowell too. Yes, he can be an abrasive and irritating person but I think he's guilty of growing into his own caricature if anything. Not exactly high brow intellectual viewing but for sheer entertainment value it's hard to beat. In fact, in the background at the moment "The Xtra Factor" is on and there's a man rapping dressed as a chicken. Brilliant.

By the way, is it just me or are ITV still increasing the volume levels on their advertisements between programs ? I'm sure I read somewhere that they were given a ticking off for that a number of years ago, it's very noticeable and blares without warning.

I was going to say I'm getting old and grumpy but I guess I should really start to worry when I'm certain all of the television stations are turning their volume down. ;)


LL xx

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Caravans, camping and cunnilingus

So I've arrived in Inverness in one piece after a VERY long day. I'm starting to hate the A9 with a passion. Thank goodness it's coming to the end of the summer season because if I have to drive at 40mph behind Colin and Susan in their motor home for one more journey, there will be violence. I wouldn't mind, but they drive past signs which clearly say "FRUSTRATION CAUSES ACCIDENTS, PLEASE PULL IN TO ALLOW OVER TAKING." But no, on they go dreaming of the rewards they can buy with their Caravan Club loyalty points. Grrrr.

Actually camping is my idea of hell in a shell. I love going to music festivals and sloshing around in mud and wellies, provided I have a warm hotel room and shower to go back to afterwards. Why on earth would anyone actually pay money to lie on a plastic sheet for the night and get eaten alive by things that crawl ? No thank you. On a much brighter note I've booked my holiday for six weeks from now to Majorca for myself and my mini-teenager and I can't wait. Sun lounger for Mum, kids club and pool for the wee 'un. Heaven. I would add a comment about delicious waiters too, but that would be a busman's holiday and part of the fun of holidays for me is resembling Norah Batty and really letting go. Ahem.

Speaking of letting go, yesterday I met a man who must have attended an advanced workshop for cunnilingus because I had my thighs clamped so hard around his cheeks that I thought he was going to have to thump me to let go. It was a sheer delight and the very definition of job satisfaction. Actually, he got off on the right foot with me with his initial email ;

"Hi Laura, my name is David and I wondered if you might be available for a one hour outcall to my hotel at say, 8pm ? My mobile number is ************** and I'd be grateful if you would contact me via text only as I'm in meetings most of the day."

Perfect. I just wish other guys would follow suit. The above email may seem standard to you but to we ladies of nocturnal pursuits it is almost enough to bring us to an involuntary climax. You see, the emails we get vary in quality from the above to -

"Wot u up to babes ? Want sum hot fun."

"How much and were u at ?"

"U do cars ?"

"Hey u lookin fir a male to work wit ? I'm seven inches hun."

It pays to be an attractive woman to do my job but it is absolutely essential to have a sense of humour.

Tomorrow is another day and Amanda and I are looking forward to seeing our strapping men fae Inverness after which we plan to treat ourselves to a nice meal out and some chill out time. I love the time we spend together, we always have such a giggle and if one of us is feeling down the other one is always there to pour a nice glass of wine and talk her touring buddy down from the roof of The Ramada.

Good friends are hard to find, especially in this industry and there are times I truly don't know what I'd do without her. :)


LL xx