Friday, 5 March 2010

Tempers, Taxis and TLC

If I ever catch the man who invented the Glasgow road system, I'm going to punch him straight in the face. Actually, he's probably dead, so it's a moot point. The reason for my irritation is because living in my sat nav is a woman with absolutely no concept of one way systems or indeed, bus and cycle only lanes. Getting around Glasgow in my trusty Astra has now become a game of running the gauntlet with Taxi drivers spitting out their "Gregg's" sausage rolls in temper because I have just driven up one of their precious bus lanes. On Thursday I was heading to my incall base in Glasgow for the day and by the time I got there I was like a Tasmanian She-devil.

Only in Glasgow do you have a two lane, one way road which when you round the corner morphs into a one lane, two way street, effectively meaning I am now on the wrong side of the road thanks to my feckin' sat nav and what's more, the self satisfied smug taxi man beside me won't let me in to the right side. In mitigation of the above, I should just add that I once drove the whole length of Prince's Street in Edinburgh and got away with it. A policeman stepped out in front of the car and raised his hand.


"Err, what do you think you're doing ?"

"Well Sir I'm from Ireland and I was just following my sat nav."

*Cue raised eyebrows and a sympathetic smile*

"On your way then, but just so you know this is taxis and buses only".

"Sure I'm awful sorry Sir, so I am."

The helpless Oirish maiden thing works everytime. :)

In further mitigation of the above I would also like to state that I have a deep love and admiration of Glasgow taxi drivers. They make me laugh until I think I need to clench, you know, there. Recently I had a taxi take me from my base to an outcall ;

"I wasn't always a taxi driver you know."

"Is that right ?"

"Aye, I was a world class brain surgeon but in the end the beer shakes got me."

"Err, right."

"Mind you, so did the whiskey, the vodka and the bacardi."

As a complete aside, it was with a large dose of mirth that I noted the Belgian government have begun issuing families with two chickens, to cut down on waste. I couldn't help but think what would happen if Glasgow City Council followed suit, the neds would have a field day. Before long we would have underground chicken fighting and worse, pimped up chickens with "full body kit" to include flashing lights on the underbelly and an enhanced "exhaust" system. Dear me, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Anyway, now I'm in Dundee and thoroughly enjoying a cool glass of white wine after a busy day. Self TLC. It's what I call "No Meow, No Mum" time, just peace and quiet. I'm thinking about my forthcoming London tour and the endless possibilities for perving in Soho. ( Can women go into peep shows ?) This is whilst I'm lying on my bed in the buff for no other reason than I can, without a little voice going "Eeeeeuuuw, you don't have any pants on." I just stuffed myself with room service and am about ready to curl up with my book.

I hate being an exploited, vulnerable victim, can't you tell ? ;)


LL xx

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