A letter to Graham Norton

Graham Norton has long held a fascination for me, not least because he's Irish. From the first moment he danced onto our screens as a hyper-active Irish dancing priest on "Father Ted", I was hooked.

Incidentally, I once spied Dermot Morgan who played Ted in Searson's Pub on Baggot Street in Dublin, enjoying a quiet pint and reading the paper, or at least he was until I ingratiated myself into his body space. " I know you must get this all the time, but I absolutely LOVED Father Ted, a call girl in the bath with the bishop, sheer genius." "Thanks". So that was that really, I slunk back to my seat to my friends who had completely given up and were pretending they'd never seen me before in their lives.

Back to Mr. Norton, every Saturday morning he has a radio show which I listen to ( if I'm not slinking out of a hotel or ferrying several pink princesses around fulfilling their busy diaries ) and one of the regular features is listener problems, where people write in for advice from Mr. Norton and the great British public too. It makes for real entertainment, not so much the "problems", but the suggested solutions are always a hoot. I have finally thought of a letter which I think he might read out. Here goes -

Dear Graham,

Firstly let me say I am a huge fan of the show, not in a "I'm your number one fan" creepy/stalkerish way obviously, but you get what I mean.

I have an idea I'd like to run past you, it's not a problem per se, more a suggestion, let me know what you think.

We all know the devastating effect that the credit crunch has had on our economy in recent times and I'm sure The BBC haven't exactly been immune to the effects of it either, otherwise why on earth would BBC4 screen - "Teenage Kicks: The Search for Sophistication" ? Anyway, I have a cunning plan to save some money.

( You'll forgive the language in the next part of my letter, but sometimes only one word will do. )

The weather in Scotland is shite, we all know it's shite and it doesn't take Mystic Meg to "forecast" that it's going to be shite in the future. In real terms, the forecast could be covered admirably in two sentences ; "Everywhere in the UK will be lovely today with the exception of Scotland where it will hammer down with rain and sleet and it might snow too. In July." So, why bother including Scotland in the weather forecast at all ? Simply skip it, everyone up here is too depressed to notice or even care anyway and you can free up valuable air time to sell more advertising, thus generating more income for The Beeb. Brilliant !!

I realise this is a fairly radical suggestion but look forward to your reply.

Yours in abject admiration,

Laura.

I'll let you know if I get a reply.

Just to mention, my new pictures are now on my site too as of yesterday - right here.
I'm off to Inverness in the morning where men are men and sheep are in counselling, allegedly. Catch up with you from there.

LL xx

Thieving and Tom Hanks

I have a bit of a confession to make, I am nothing but a common thief.

In case you think I've finally lost it, I'm not talking about money or valuables, no. I have a penchant for stealing crisp white towels. I CAN'T HELP IT. I've tried to work through the reasoning for this in my head, with little or no success thusfar. Was I denied towels as a child ? No. Can I afford to buy my own bloody towels ? Of course. Be that as it may, I still have enough towels ( acquired from various four star hostelries) to start a small but flourishing bed and breakfast business. Oh, the shame.

It gets worse though, recently I have extended my repertoire to include pencils. Not just any old pencils though, only the ones with a rubber on top. ( They're awfully useful for pencilling in appointments which may change, hence the rubber requirement. ) In my defence, the towels thing started because I always like to make sure my guys have a clean towel for their shower, so I bring extra towels with me when I head off on tour. Previous statement accepted, there is still no need for 329 towels, even if I had a showering fetish I'd never get through them all. In reality I think I'd make a rubbish thief because good old Catholic guilt eats away at me sometimes and I imagine the receptionist saying as I leave ...

"There she goes, the towel thief. Some people have no standards." ( I couldn't care less if they muse about whether or not I'm an escort, but a towel thief ? Mortified. )

Anyway, I'm in Carlisle in absolutely beautiful sunshine, touring is worth it for the weather alone. ( That reminds me, I've finally thought of a good reason to write to Graham Norton, blog post to follow. ) I was watching The Graham Norton show recently and he was interviewing Tom Hanks. Now, I've always loved Tom Hanks, he is a fabulous actor, very versatile and convincing and if I'm being honest I howled at the end of "Forest Gump". Recently though, he has gone up in my estimations no end. He has this new movie out you see, which he wrote and directed himself, co-starring Julia Roberts.

So, here is a man who quite fancied several snogs with Julia Roberts and who wouldn't ? ( Does that woman EVER age ? Grrr. ) So what does he do ? He writes a film script in which she plays his love interest, not only that, but he directs the film so he can dictate how many takes he needs of each scene. Clever, huh ? Not only does he get away with snogging Julia Roberts to the point of erotic asphyxiation ( in spite of the fact he's married ) but he'll probably get a feckin' award for it too !! I can see his wife now, beaming from ear to ear with pride as she watches him bask in the glory of his achievement.

So what's next for our Tom ?

"Hey Demi, I've had the most amazing idea for a film, you and I play naked castaways on a desert island after a mass flood has killed most people and the only hope for the continuity of the species is if we do it, like, constantly."

Whatever about an award for his film, Tom Hanks should surely get an award for ingenuity.

LL xx

A request for help and Amy Winehouse

Evening all and greetings from Newcastle where I am chilling out with a double-mocca-chocca-crap coffee type thingy and some cookies, way to go.

I need to ask for your help again I'm afraid, and there's only 24 hours in which to do it.

The government are asking for some input into how much they should invest into the policing of prostitution.

Policing Priorities survey - introduction at

http://forums.parliament.uk/policing-priorities-poll/index.php?index,1

Given the financial constraints that police forces face, the Committee would like to hear which areas of work you think the police should prioritise and which areas of work you think should be a lower priority.

How much of a priority should tackling prostitution be for the police?

http://forums.parliament.uk/policing-priorities-poll/index.php?read,1,137

The deadline is tomorrow, ( I know, I'm sorry ) so please go and have your say.
I see the anti's have found it already, take this little belter -

"It depends what you mean by consensual. The figures show that most sex workers have a background of some form of abuse; a disproportionate number have been in care, have a substance abuse habit, and are severely traumatised by the work they do. The work itself exposes them to people who are willing to threaten, beat, and rape them. Many are trafficked into the trade, suggesting that coercion is necessary - hardly a sign that people are willing to stay for the perks.
If you mean that, even accepting that most are damaged by their background, nonetheless they have freely decided to make their living this way, research shows that if asked, the vast majority would like to leave it - and tellingly, I've never met anyone who wanted their daughter or mother or adolescent son to become a sex worker, even among those who like you say it's an entirely consensual activity."

Yes, the usual drivel trotted out with no offer of proof or statistics to back it up.

*sigh*

As a complete aside, you have to feel sorry for Amy Winehouse. The woman is going through enough with trying to deal with her own demons without her management team wheeling her out on stage to deliver a performance when she was seriously bladdered. Jesus wept, what were they thinking ? It's not nice to make an exhibition of someone who is clearly suffering and in need of help. Given that she was heckled off the stage anyway and refused payment for the appearance, not to mention the fact that the whole audience were refunded, quite what was the point in allowing her to perform in that condition in the first place ? It's car crash viewing, and shame on the people who allowed that to happen.

Rant over. :)

LL xx

Tours, Tortoises and Turkey

I'm off on my travels again, the rest of this month will see me in Dundee, Newcastle and finally Carlisle. Dundee is a place I haven't been for quite a while, I'm looking forward to it and will run off my fried breakfast down by the waterfront.

Terrible news girl cat fans, there is still no sign of the elusive feline in spite of endless searches and a prolonged poster and neighbour campaign, so I am back to being a one cat woman. :( I just hope she is well and being looked after and it's never a question of giving up hope, after all you read these stories in the news of cats returning home after months, even years away.

My loss has been misconstrued as my little darling's gain, she is adamant we can now have a tortoise. Naw, hen. Negotiations are continuing with the mention of a grass snake. It's not the snake I mind so much as the frozen mice in my freezer - nae chance. I have mooted the possibility of a goldfish, after all Adorable Amy gets no end of pleasure from her fish, but that suggestion was met with an incredulous look and a stony silence, so I guess that's a 'no' then.

Back to travels and as a reward for my jetting around the country and surviving on a diet of lucozade and pro-plus I have booked the family holiday to Turkey in October. This year I have decided to go all inclusive, the ideology behind said decision being that I won't be asked for money every ten seconds for ice cream or a drink and can get on with the important task of carefully burning my Celtic skin in the sun so that all my freckles join up again, only to fade within a couple of days of my return. The "lobster" look - much under-rated and in fact borderline essential for a Glasgow night out. ( Simply top it up with some bronzing pearls and hey presto, suddenly you're as orange as the rest of the lady folk and fit right in. )

Finally, on my search around the net for tortoise information, I came across this video which I thought you'd enjoy - notice how the female doesn't stop eating during her lover's rather impressive thrusts; HOW RUDE.

Click here and enjoy.



LL xx

Run girls, run !!

Evening all, greetings from Inverness where it is pouring down instead of the promised 16 degrees. ( I suppose it's better that way than doing my best impression of "boil in the bag" in PVC. )

The Race for Life was last Sunday and one of the most enjoyable days I've ever had. 60,000 women gathered in Glasgow and between us we raised £1m for cancer research, a truly awesome achievement. What I loved about it most was the sense of camaraderie amongst the women, just for once it didn't matter what colour of skin you had, where you came from, what you did for a living or even your chosen creed - everyone was there for one reason and one reason only, to remember those who had lost their brave battle with cancer and to celebrate the survivors. There were women running in full Muslim dress and even one lady in a Sari and shorts, quite a bizarre sight to be honest.

At the end of the day, we are nothing but sophisticated monkeys, and every so often we have a reminder of that. London must surely be one of the most multi-cultural cities around and what I find difficult ( as someone who insists on chatting to the bloke next to me in the queue in Asda ) is the way no-one will look anyone else in the eye. If you go on The Underground, everyone picks a spot to stare at or they become engrossed in a book and don't acknowledge anyone else in case they are a loose cannon. Look what happened when the July bombs went off though - everyone pulled together to deal with a common threat.

( Sorry for veering off course, but psychology fascinates me. )

This coming September, having been well and truly bitten by the bug, I have decided to do a 13k overnight walk, also for cancer research. Don't worry, I won't have my hand out again, I will hit neighbours and family this time.

I want to thank each and every single one of the people who sponsored me, in particular Ms D. Mopp of London who contributed £100, I am so grateful it's difficult to put it into words. I made my target of £500 and I know that money will be so much appreciated.

Before I sign off, I'll leave you with this little belter -

"A female political activist and former parliamentary candidate has recommended the introduction of legislation to legalize the provision of enslaved female concubines for Muslim men in Kuwait in a bid, she says, to protect those men from committing adultery or corruption.

She suggested that special offices could be set up to provide concubines in the same way as domestic staff recruitment agencies currently provide housemaids.

“We want our youth to be protected from adultery,” said Al-Mutairi, suggesting that these maids could be bought as prisoners of war in war-stricken nations like Chechnya to be sold on later to devout merchants."

You couldn't make it up, could you ? And they say that we sex workers set the women's movement back. Hmmmmm.

LL xx

Training and Traffickers

Yesterday didn't exactly get off to a flying start, to be honest. I did the blind stumble from the shower cubicle and after a visit to the adjacent facilities, decided to ensure I was still as fresh as a daisy by reaching back for my feminine cleansing wipes. Unfortunately though, I put my hand on my "Domestos" bathroom wipes, so although I'm quite sure I had the most sterile lady bits in Britain, the result was my hopping about the bathroom squealing in pain.

Nevertheless I made it to my apartment for my first booking at 10.15am, ( do not adjust your screens, I have witnesses ) and he brought me a lovely box of M & S chocs, most of which I scoffed unceremoniously last night. It's a good job this running malarkey hasn't worn thin yet or I would be back to "The Michelin Man" in no time.

The Race for Life is this Sunday and I'm looking forward to it immensely, although the little light of my life has absolutely insisted on joining me. I tried to fob her off and tell her that it is for over 16's only, but she checked the website and discovered children can take part if with a supervising adult. Great. I just hope she doesn't pull her usual stunt which will involve a piggy back and a very tired and cross Momma. Our joint training has been going well though, so we'll see how it goes.

In other news ; I see The Met in London have launched a freephone number to encourage people to report trafficking -

"The Metropolitan Police Service wants people who have been brought to the UK and forced to work for little or no wages to report the crimes.

The number is featured in a poster campaign produced for the force and the charity Stop The Traffik.

The force's SCD9 unit, which fights human exploitation, has secured 12 convictions in 12 months and a further 20 people are awaiting trial.

Det Ch Supt Richard Martin, head of SCD9, said: "I hope that this poster and the freephone number it shows will encourage and enable victims who are suffering at the hands of traffickers to get in touch with us.

"Since SCD9 was formed in April last year, we have been working to raise awareness and understanding of all aspects of human trafficking, including trafficking for sexual exploitation and trafficking in the context of domestic servitude and forced labour."

Hmmmm, if it's to help people who are in dire need of rescue from slavery and have very little command of the English language then shouldn't it be in multiple languages ? Whilst I'm all for any move which will hit the REAL traffickers, I'm not sure how successful this endeavour will be. In England the offence of "punting" with a trafficked girl is one of strict liability, so it's not sufficient to say that one was not aware of the girl's circumstances.

So, for a measure like this to work there needs to be guaranteed anonymity, rather like crime stoppers or even better, total decriminalisation of sex work so that clients can feel confident in coming forward to report untoward experiences.

LL xx