I am in a very strange mood today and trying to put a name to it.
Angry ? No, that’s too strong a word. Sad ? Hmmm, we’re getting there. Hurt ? Yes I think that best describes it.
When I first started blogging it was very light hearted and I just enjoyed talking about nothing of any great consequence. I took a decision later on to start thinking back on some of the experiences I have had, good and bad. Recently I blogged about a particularly bad spell in my life which I learnt a lot from. I have decided to take it down and to focus on the here and now rather than the past. It may, with hindsight have been too personal to put online and although I will tell my story ( because I have quite a story to tell ) I will do so anonymously.
As anyone who has met me will tell you, I am one of the most funloving,upbeat and slightly mad ( in a pleasant way lol ) people you’ll come across.I love my work and I love my life. I don’t in anyway think that my past has influenced the person I am today except in a very positive manner. After all,if you’ve never experienced the dark, how will you ever appreciate the light ?
I also blogged a little about how a good escort needs to be a chameleon, and adaptable to her surroundings and individual client’s needs. By that I did NOT mean that she should wear a mask or pretend to be something she’s not. If I have been guilty of anything over the years it’s being too open with my clients that I know very well and letting them see the real me.
So what’s upset me ? This email :
“I was going to write yesterday to thank you for your little note but read your blog first to find your wavelength.
After that I had to think for 24 hours.. Strong, strong stuff; way, way beyond scary; too strong for me, I'm afraid.
I thought I knew you a little bit but I don't know who I knew. Real, mirrors, who knows? I don't. As you said, I enjoyed your company more than your bed. I'm not naive, or not that naive that I should expect anything more than that some of the things we did together you enjoyed. Or was it all just chameleon ? Even the occasional smile ?
I have always worried about you, the inevitability of tears and sadness . You,my Antigone.”
That e-mail came from a man I have known for years and had grown terribly fond of, and he of me. I am real, 100% me. I firmly believe in the saying “To thine own self be true”. So if I smiled, it was because I was happy. I do not seek to deceive with mirrors or any other method. If I feel sad, I have a good cry. If I find something amusing, I’ll throw my head back and laugh.
So yes, you did know the real me. The one who laughed and swore and fell asleep on your sofa whilst watching tv. The one who snores like a baby rhino and once took you outside for some alfresco fun when we were both eaten alive by midges but still managed to laugh about it.
It’s me, and I make no apologies for the vivacious, bouncy lovable woman I am.