Monday, 22 June 2009

Addictions, accountants and adrenaline

I have what I can only describe as a very addictive personality. Like Amanda I share a passion for stationary, sad but true. I can't begin to explain the mutual joy we felt when we fessed up to each other on that one. I'm also a perfectionist and borderline sufferer of OCD. Everything in my house has to be just so, the towels must be folded the way I like them or I start to twitch, LOL. I'm a clean freak and Melanie Head Girl and Amanda love to wind me up on tour.

But I'll tell you what gives me the last word in satisfaction ..... squeezing.
Hell yeah. The last time Amanda and I toured in Inverness I had the pleasure of meeting a very nervous gentleman. I took him by the hand and suggested a calming massage to begin with and he was pleased to accept. I turned him onto his tummy to begin his massage and I kid you not, my pupils dilated with pleasure when I viewed what was spread before me, like an oversized, throbbing invitation.

Me : "Are you quite comfortable there ?"

Him : "Yes, thanks."

Me : "Um, you have two blackheads on your buttocks, were you aware of that ?"

Him : "No, but then I don't look at my buttocks very often."

Me : "That's true I suppose. This might sound a bit strange but after I've opened your pores with my warm paws, can I squeeze them ?"

Him : "Err, ok. A true girlfriend experience, huh ?"

Me : "Yep, you're in the hands of a professional now, lad."

Do you know when I popped those pustules I almost climaxed on the spot.

Today I've added the link to Jolyon's brand new blog. For those of you who aren't familiar with his work, Jolyon is an accountant. No, a bloody good accountant. He also has the patience of a saint, because aside from being a good friend of mine for a number of years now, he also has the unfortunate task of doing my annual returns. (Pssst, Jolyon, I still think I should be able to claim for PVC outfits. LOL. )

Aside from the excellent diary he produces each year for escorts, he also has a website, which is an invaluable resource and superbly done.

Aside from all of that, he has also ( quite literally ) been fighting off my affections for over three years now, not bad for an octogenarian. ;)

One of the most frequent questions I get asked by new clients is "What's the weirdest thing you've ever had happen to you ?" That's a very difficult one because if there's one thing I've learnt in my time as an escort, one man's normality is another man's insanity.

I went on an outcall many years ago to a lovely man. I spoke to him on the phone, took his details, did my security checks and set off to meet him. He lived in a house at the end of a long gravel drive and I remember thinking it reminded me of "To the Manor Born." He met me at the door with a big smile and I beamed back at him as I made my way into the beautiful living room and perched on the sofa. We chatted for about five minutes and he then asked if I'd like a glass of wine.

( Hello ? Is the Pope a Catholic ? )

"Yes please, I'd love one".
"Ok then, make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back".

Erm, when he said 'right back', I'm assuming he meant when he finally emerged from the East Wing, as his footsteps seemed to fade away forever. I relaxed a bit and began idly thumbing through a magazine. I began to hear what I was sure was the sound of car tyres on the gravel outside. Closer now, there was no mistaking it. The front lights hit the living room window as the car swung into it's parking space. I was a bit un-nerved to say the least. But then the cruncher, the unmistakable sound of stiletto heels on gravel. OH GOD.

I now know why they call adrenaline the "fight or flight" syndrome. My throat was bone dry and my stomach hit the floor.

"Think, you dozy bint, think."

I could run and hide, but what's the point, she'll have seen the car.
I could shout and warn the hubby, too late, the door's opening.

In strolled a 5 foot 10 stunning redhead. She flashed me a huge smile and came towards me with her hand extended to shake mine.

"Ooooooh, hello, you must be Laura, I'm Jenny, delighted to meet you".

"Erm..... UG ?"

"Dear me, your face is a picture. Did I give you a fright ?"

"Well, not so much a fright no, more a triple coronary".

"Ah, James hasn't told you, very naughty. We have an open marriage. When I say 'open', I mean he has my permission to see escorts, but if I catch him having an affair I'll chop his bollox off. Anyway I hope he's looking after you ok ? Have fun, I've had a shit of a day and I need a long soak in the tub".

For the first time in a very long time, I was truly and utterly speechless.

L xx

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