Monday, 29 June 2009
Masturbation, manners ( again ) and meets
Is it just me or is there still a huge taboo around female masturbation ? Say it with me, wank, wank, WANK. Delicious, isn't it ? I started my sexual experience being bitterly disappointed and I have to say that the only way from there was up. For years I watched all the films on TV with women reaching climaxes that would outdo a concord taking off in terms of decibels, so when I finally lost my virginity I remember thinking, "Erm, is that it ?" I decided at that point that the female orgasm was a myth perpetuated by bitchy females to torment those of us who thought we were malformed in some way or another.
So imagine my immeasurable delight when in my grotty basement flat one Friday morning ( whilst skiving off lectures ) I managed to make myself climax with my fingers. Now, I know that whilst reading that, there was a TINY part of you that thought " Ooooh, I'm not sure that's appropriate for a public blog ". Therein lies my point. Look, 95% of women masturbate and the other 5% are liars. Come on, we've all raided the sky remote and in moments of extreme panic, the fire alarm. I don't care what anyone says, there's a reason why women and wanking even sound right together.
Anyway, absolutely no need for that for me today, I'm in Aberdeen and had the pleasure of Big Ric. I have his permission to share this nugget of information with you, when God created man, by way of apology he created Ric. ( Well, actually it was woman, but I digress ). Ric has a tongue that could wrestle a 12 foot python and it's extended family and I thoroughly enjoyed today's tryst. Uh huh. That's what I call job satisfaction.
When we are touring Amanda and I often take out a one line ad in a daily newspaper as sadly, some potential clients have yet to discover the wonders of t'internet. Maybe the heat is getting to me but I am utterly sick of Neanderthal grunts. I keep a separate mobile for my newspaper number so I can tell who's who. Anyway, I always answer the phone in the most pleasant tone possible, even if in reality I want to stab somebody repeatedly with a blunt kitchen implement. Lately I've begun to take great exception to the mentally stunted individuals who when you say "Hello", reply with "Yeah, massage ?" To tell you the truth if they can't have the manners to string a sentence together then I'm not interested in seeing them anyway. So we've developed a game, Amanda and I. They have a choice of two answers :
1. "Oooh is this word association ? Oil. "
2. "Oooh is this word disassociation ? Lobster. "
Either reply seems to have the desired effect. Basic manners cost nothing.
Anyway, next month I'm off to London, to tour but also to attend a social which I'm looking forward to sooo much. I finally get to meet a number of ladies I've been chatting to online for a number of years now and I can't wait. It will be really good to put faces to names after all this time.
P.S : If you're wondering what the very feck is the deal with the fish immediately to the right of my blog ==============>
...click your mouse to feed them and they'll swim towards the food. I know,I know, I've done a search on "A life" on Ebay to see if I can get one with free postage.