Monday, 29 June 2009

Masturbation, manners ( again ) and meets

Is it just me or is there still a huge taboo around female masturbation ? Say it with me, wank, wank, WANK. Delicious, isn't it ? I started my sexual experience being bitterly disappointed and I have to say that the only way from there was up. For years I watched all the films on TV with women reaching climaxes that would outdo a concord taking off in terms of decibels, so when I finally lost my virginity I remember thinking, "Erm, is that it ?" I decided at that point that the female orgasm was a myth perpetuated by bitchy females to torment those of us who thought we were malformed in some way or another.

So imagine my immeasurable delight when in my grotty basement flat one Friday morning ( whilst skiving off lectures ) I managed to make myself climax with my fingers. Now, I know that whilst reading that, there was a TINY part of you that thought " Ooooh, I'm not sure that's appropriate for a public blog ". Therein lies my point. Look, 95% of women masturbate and the other 5% are liars. Come on, we've all raided the sky remote and in moments of extreme panic, the fire alarm. I don't care what anyone says, there's a reason why women and wanking even sound right together.

Anyway, absolutely no need for that for me today, I'm in Aberdeen and had the pleasure of Big Ric. I have his permission to share this nugget of information with you, when God created man, by way of apology he created Ric. ( Well, actually it was woman, but I digress ). Ric has a tongue that could wrestle a 12 foot python and it's extended family and I thoroughly enjoyed today's tryst. Uh huh. That's what I call job satisfaction.

When we are touring Amanda and I often take out a one line ad in a daily newspaper as sadly, some potential clients have yet to discover the wonders of t'internet. Maybe the heat is getting to me but I am utterly sick of Neanderthal grunts. I keep a separate mobile for my newspaper number so I can tell who's who. Anyway, I always answer the phone in the most pleasant tone possible, even if in reality I want to stab somebody repeatedly with a blunt kitchen implement. Lately I've begun to take great exception to the mentally stunted individuals who when you say "Hello", reply with "Yeah, massage ?" To tell you the truth if they can't have the manners to string a sentence together then I'm not interested in seeing them anyway. So we've developed a game, Amanda and I. They have a choice of two answers :

1. "Oooh is this word association ? Oil. "

2. "Oooh is this word disassociation ? Lobster. "

Either reply seems to have the desired effect. Basic manners cost nothing.

Anyway, next month I'm off to London, to tour but also to attend a social which I'm looking forward to sooo much. I finally get to meet a number of ladies I've been chatting to online for a number of years now and I can't wait. It will be really good to put faces to names after all this time.

LL xx

P.S : If you're wondering what the very feck is the deal with the fish immediately to the right of my blog ==============> your mouse to feed them and they'll swim towards the food. I know,I know, I've done a search on "A life" on Ebay to see if I can get one with free postage.

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Irritations, Inverness and In Memory

Is it a full moon tonight ? It must be because the nutters are out in force. My first voicemail of the day ... "Hello, I'm in a phone box, call me back if you want some business". Erm ... right. Swiftly followed by a complete gentleman who obviously went to the School for Charm, NOT. "Hi, I'd like a prostitute". Oh dear. Actually the deeply mischievous side of me wanted to say "Certainly Sir, would you like blonde, brunette, transexual or a sheep ?"

Thank goodness it's nearing holiday time. I'm taking the first week in August off to go and spend time with my family so I'm looking forward to that. Time to chill out and relax whilst deftly avoiding my mother's cookery as much as possible. ( I use the term 'cookery' rather generously actually, to describe the various abominations she has produced in her time. ) It has to be said, I'm not much better myself but Mr F has showed me how to cook a couple of very basic dishes so I'm looking forward to trying them out on my clan without landing everyone in A & E. I know my cooking can't be up to much because everytime I dig out the saucepans at home my 8 year old whistles through her teeth and says " Good luck everyone".

Amanda and I are in Inverness at the moment and it is so hot it's unreal. We are literally melting, however this afternoon we found a beautiful bookshop within an old church and thoroughly enjoyed browsing around. It also has nice place for lunch so we had some soup and toasties too. Thank you to Dollymopp for the recommendation, it is certainly worth a visit. As I post this Amanda is stretched out on her bed reading a book about 17th Century whoring so I'm waiting for the inevitable "WAIT 'til you hear this ..."

The world has gone Michael Jackson mad, I tell thee. Half of usually sensible newspapers taken over with photos of fans weeping, quotes from other celebrities, etc. It's all a bit much in my humble opinion. Of course a celebrity can never die without the usual conspiracy theories being bandied about and I'm sure they'll surface soon. His death seems to have completely over shadowed that of Farrah Fawcett, which is a shame. She was my favourite Angel and I have fond memories of watching her on tv and desperately trying to get my hair to 'flick' like hers.

But there's one other death in the news at the moment that I must admit moved me to tears. It's that of Neda, a young girl shot dead in the streets of Iran by a cowardly faceless sniper. I've included a link below, which I must warn you is quite upsetting.

She was a beautiful young woman with everything to live for, she was a talented musician who was engaged to be married and she had her whole life ahead of her. In just under a minute that life was snatched away from her. So rest in peace Neda, and I just hope that your death wasn't in vain.

LL xx

Monday, 22 June 2009

Addictions, accountants and adrenaline

I have what I can only describe as a very addictive personality. Like Amanda I share a passion for stationary, sad but true. I can't begin to explain the mutual joy we felt when we fessed up to each other on that one. I'm also a perfectionist and borderline sufferer of OCD. Everything in my house has to be just so, the towels must be folded the way I like them or I start to twitch, LOL. I'm a clean freak and Melanie Head Girl and Amanda love to wind me up on tour.

But I'll tell you what gives me the last word in satisfaction ..... squeezing.
Hell yeah. The last time Amanda and I toured in Inverness I had the pleasure of meeting a very nervous gentleman. I took him by the hand and suggested a calming massage to begin with and he was pleased to accept. I turned him onto his tummy to begin his massage and I kid you not, my pupils dilated with pleasure when I viewed what was spread before me, like an oversized, throbbing invitation.

Me : "Are you quite comfortable there ?"

Him : "Yes, thanks."

Me : "Um, you have two blackheads on your buttocks, were you aware of that ?"

Him : "No, but then I don't look at my buttocks very often."

Me : "That's true I suppose. This might sound a bit strange but after I've opened your pores with my warm paws, can I squeeze them ?"

Him : "Err, ok. A true girlfriend experience, huh ?"

Me : "Yep, you're in the hands of a professional now, lad."

Do you know when I popped those pustules I almost climaxed on the spot.

Today I've added the link to Jolyon's brand new blog. For those of you who aren't familiar with his work, Jolyon is an accountant. No, a bloody good accountant. He also has the patience of a saint, because aside from being a good friend of mine for a number of years now, he also has the unfortunate task of doing my annual returns. (Pssst, Jolyon, I still think I should be able to claim for PVC outfits. LOL. )

Aside from the excellent diary he produces each year for escorts, he also has a website, which is an invaluable resource and superbly done.

Aside from all of that, he has also ( quite literally ) been fighting off my affections for over three years now, not bad for an octogenarian. ;)

One of the most frequent questions I get asked by new clients is "What's the weirdest thing you've ever had happen to you ?" That's a very difficult one because if there's one thing I've learnt in my time as an escort, one man's normality is another man's insanity.

I went on an outcall many years ago to a lovely man. I spoke to him on the phone, took his details, did my security checks and set off to meet him. He lived in a house at the end of a long gravel drive and I remember thinking it reminded me of "To the Manor Born." He met me at the door with a big smile and I beamed back at him as I made my way into the beautiful living room and perched on the sofa. We chatted for about five minutes and he then asked if I'd like a glass of wine.

( Hello ? Is the Pope a Catholic ? )

"Yes please, I'd love one".
"Ok then, make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back".

Erm, when he said 'right back', I'm assuming he meant when he finally emerged from the East Wing, as his footsteps seemed to fade away forever. I relaxed a bit and began idly thumbing through a magazine. I began to hear what I was sure was the sound of car tyres on the gravel outside. Closer now, there was no mistaking it. The front lights hit the living room window as the car swung into it's parking space. I was a bit un-nerved to say the least. But then the cruncher, the unmistakable sound of stiletto heels on gravel. OH GOD.

I now know why they call adrenaline the "fight or flight" syndrome. My throat was bone dry and my stomach hit the floor.

"Think, you dozy bint, think."

I could run and hide, but what's the point, she'll have seen the car.
I could shout and warn the hubby, too late, the door's opening.

In strolled a 5 foot 10 stunning redhead. She flashed me a huge smile and came towards me with her hand extended to shake mine.

"Ooooooh, hello, you must be Laura, I'm Jenny, delighted to meet you".

"Erm..... UG ?"

"Dear me, your face is a picture. Did I give you a fright ?"

"Well, not so much a fright no, more a triple coronary".

"Ah, James hasn't told you, very naughty. We have an open marriage. When I say 'open', I mean he has my permission to see escorts, but if I catch him having an affair I'll chop his bollox off. Anyway I hope he's looking after you ok ? Have fun, I've had a shit of a day and I need a long soak in the tub".

For the first time in a very long time, I was truly and utterly speechless.

L xx

Friday, 19 June 2009

Email of the day


Thank you for not deleting this email right away. While you and I may not know each other, what I want to tell you is important enough for me to want to contact you. But don’t worry, I obtained your email address off of the internet and will not contact you again unless you reply.

I assure you that this is not a solicitation or a scam of any kind. I do not want to sell you anything or sign you up for anything. My hope is that you will continue to read the email. My hope is that, in the end, you will see this letter as so much more than "spam."

The reason for the email you see, is that I used to be trapped in sexual addiction. I used to visit with service providers and am familiar with the emotional pain that some of you are in and are trying to fill with sex. I am also quite aware of some of your financial reasons for doing this. I am also aware of the dangers that you put yourself into everytime that you see someone, and I don't want anything to happen to you. Jesus Christ rescued me from a life of sexual sin and depravity and I want to share the Gospel with you. You might have heard it before, but I doubt you've heard it put quite like this. Keep in mind that I am not judging you. I am just opening your eyes to what God tells us.

The Bible says in Hebrews 9:27 that “it’s appointed for every man once to die, and then judgment.” What that means is that everyone dies once and is then judged before Almighty God. So, if you are standing before God on Judgment Day, are you going to heaven or hell? Have you been a good person? You might think so but, unfortunately though, we aren’t going to be judged by any human standard of goodness. There is only one standard by which we can all be judged and that standard is God’s Law, also known as the Ten Commandments. The Bible says in Romans 2:15 that God “has written the law upon the heart of every man in the form of our conscience” so that when we die and face him, we will have no excuse.

I've already admitted to you that I am a sinner, so let’s go through them real quick for you. Have you ever broken the 9th commandment by lying? Of course you have. A person who does that is called a liar. Have you ever broken the 8th commandment and stolen anything (regardless of value)? A person who does that is called a thief. What about the 6th commandment against murder? Jesus also says that whoever hates a person, without cause, has committed murder in his heart. Have you ever hated anyone? If you’re like most people, at this point you are a lying, thieving, murdering adulterer at heart standing before a just and holy God.

At this point, you might be saying to yourself, I don’t believe in God, Heaven, or Hell. I say that it doesn’t matter what you believe. Let’s say that someone held you up at gunpoint, would you laugh at him and say "I don't believe in guns!"? Of course not! That’s because your disbelief doesn’t negate reality and believe me, GOD IS REAL. Or are you willing to bet your eternal life on it?

Or, you might be saying to yourself, “I don’t believe that God would judge us so harshly. My god is a god of love and forgiveness and would never send anyone to Hell”. You are right. Your god would not send anyone to Hell because he doesn't exist! What you've just done is broken the 2nd commandment against idolatry. When you create a god in your mind to suit yourself, you are turning your back on the real God. Have you ever broken the 3rd commandment by using our Creator’s name in vain as a four-letter cuss word? That’s called blasphemy and is very serious in God’s eyes.

So, if you are still reading this then you’ve probably said, “That’s impossible! No one can live up to the standard of the Ten Commandments.” You are right. No one can. Man is not perfect. We were born into sin and have a sinful nature. God is so holy and so perfect that his standard is unattainable to mortal men. You might say, but that’s not fair! What about forgiveness? God is supposed to forgive us of our sins. What about all of the good things that I’ve done in my life?

Well, let’s look at an example. What if you were in a courtroom standing before a judge and you had just been convicted of murder. You did it. You’re guilty and all that's left is for the judge to render his sentence: $500,000 or death. You can’t just say to the judge “Your honor. I just wanted to say that you are a good man and that I know you will forgive me of my crime. Besides, what about all the other good things I've done in my life?” What’s the judge going to say? If he is a good judge then he’s going to send you to the electric chair. He might want to be merciful, but he can't just set you free, the law demands a penalty. Since God is a good judge and because he is so good and so holy, he has no choice but to send you to Hell. The law demands a penalty and the Bible says in Romans 6:23 that “the wages of sin is DEATH”.

But, here’s where your story takes a turn for the good. You are about to be lead away in shackles when all of a sudden, someone comes into the courtroom and pays your $500,000 fine. The judge then sees that the requirement of the law has been fulfilled. And since you’ve met the requirements, you are now free to go! That’s what Jesus Christ did for all of us when he died on the cross 2000 years ago. Jesus Christ came to earth, God in human form, born of a virgin, lived a perfect and blameless life, was crucified on the cross, and then rose from the dead three days later as a payment for our sins. All we have to do is accept the payment and we are free from eternal damnation!

How do we accept the payment? All that is required from us is to ask God for forgiveness, repent (turn away) from our sins, and then trust in the Lord Jesus Christ with all of our hearts (Romans 10:9). When we do that, Jesus Christ washes away all of our sins and we can now stand before God blameless on Judgment Day. Then read your Bible and obey it, join a local church and be baptized. God will make you into a new person with new wants and desires. He doesn’t want to send you to Hell, He loves you. You've probably heard John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have eternal life."

Well, that’s it. Thank you for reading all the way through. I thank you for your time and my prayer is that you will consider all that you’ve read and seek Jesus Christ for eternal life today. Don’t wait for tomorrow because we never know when we will be taken from this earth and now that you've read this email you are without excuse when you stand before God.

To Him be the glory,

Mel Kizadeck


For your information Mr Kizadeck, I bring pleasure to people, not misery.

I have a strong faith based on Christianity rather than Catholicism. Catholicism is so riddled with hypocrisy it's unbelievable. The Church is truly on it's knees as it becomes apparent that it's become a convenient hiding place for paedophiles. The Catholic Church frowns upon the use of any contraception and would rather that it's women endure pregnancy after pregnancy and struggle to raise large families in poverty. If a woman does not use contraception and has sexual intercourse ( one of our strongest primeval urges ) and becomes pregnant out of wedlock, then still you frown upon her. And the best bit of all ? One of the biggest sponsors of the Vatican is a condom manufacturer.

I'll leave you with an excerpt from an article by Gary Panell, entitled "Jesus loves prostitutes".

"Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary. He never married nor did He ever have sex with anyone. Anyone that teaches that Jesus had sexual relationships is blaspheming the Son of God. Jesus loves people with a Holy Spiritual love. He reached out to prostitutes when He was here as a man on this earth. Jesus was most often criticized for His work with the prostitutes during the time He was here on this earth. The religious leaders were the worst in their criticism of Jesus so He said to them, "Assuredly, I say to you that tax collectors and harlots enter the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him; but tax collectors and harlots believed him; and when you saw it, you did not afterward relent and believe him. (Matthew 21:31b, 32)

Jesus loves prostitutes with a wholesome love. He is the true love that every woman is searching for. There is a famous statement I want to paraphrase from Saint Augustine. It says something like this, "There is a Christ shaped vacuum in each person that only He can fill, and until we allow Him to come into us we will be unfulfilled."

Many people have heard the story about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, but most people do not know that Lazarus’ sister had been a prostitute, before she got saved. We find the story in John 11:2 "It was that Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick." Then we have to go further in the story to verse 5, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus." Also we have to go back to before when Mary was not a believer but when she came to Jesus for salvation. Look at Luke 7:36-50 "Then one of the Pharisees asked Him to eat with him. And He went to the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to eat. And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner (the word sinner for a woman in Jesus time meant she was a prostitute), when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying ‘This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner.’ And Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Simon, I have something to say to you.’ So he said, ‘Teacher, say it.’ ‘There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. ‘And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?’ Simon answered and said, ‘I suppose the one whom he forgave more.’ And He said to him, ‘You have rightly judged.’ Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little. Then He said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’ And those who sat at the table with Him began to say to themselves, ‘Who is this who even forgives sins?’ Then He said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you. Go in peace."

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

London tour, Overnights and Emails

Good evening, I've not blogged for a while and for that I must apologise, but I've been up to my proverbials. Tonight I'm in Dundee, and utterly satisfied and very tired after a long tour. It's been a long day and the heat in the hotel room has been almost unbearable, but aside from that I've had a ball. I have to be honest, it's felt very strange to be away on tour without Amanda, it's just not the same watching trash daytime TV without someone to "Pfft" with.

Next month I'm off to London Paddington on July 10th and 11th and I'm very much looking forward to meeting some new guys ( and some existing clients ) there. I love London, it's such a stark contrast to my daily life here. I don't think I could live there again, but I enjoy the mania for a day or two. Tomorrow I'm off to Glasgow to do incalls for the day, so I'm looking forward to that, all the guys who used to come and see me in Dalry have been chomping at the bit, so it will be good to catch up with them.

Meanwhile back on the ranch, I've had a busy week. I had an overnight with a lovely Australian man, what a blast we had. He runs a very successful truck business back home and every so often he gets fed up and flies off somewhere to chill out. This time he chose a getaway holiday home not far from Edinburgh, so it was my pleasure to go and join him for an evening. When I got there he greeted me and poured me a glass of wine, whilst continuing to swig from his pint glass of rum and coke, I kid you not. He threw some steaks on the grill and we had a lovely dinner. Prior to retiring for the night he informed me that he "dines with the chooks". For the uninitiated, apparently this means that he goes to bed early and gets up at sunrise to feed the chickens prior to having his own breakfast. I surfaced c. 11am and he found it hilarious how anyone could sleep that long.

Here's a reality check, I see lots of ladies advertising 12 hour overnights, the truth is I've never done a 12 hour overnight in my life, it just doesn't happen. I need my sleep and the only way I'll ever wake up early is if I know my guy has a flight to catch and needs to leave at 7, etc. Other than that ? Forget it. My regular guys know to approach the bed with caution c. 10am with tea and toast and back away slooooooowly. LOL

Once I've had a shower and dressed up and done my make-up, I'm ready to have some fun again, but before that, approach at your peril. One of my guys has it down to a fine art form. Because he needs to be up early whenever we have an overnight, in the morning he kisses the back of my neck ( yum, lol ) and we have some lazy spoons sex, before he jumps into his suit and heads out for the day. Perfect.

Back on topic, later on in the week I had an overnight with my slave bitch, and far from the very negative emails I've been posting lately, I was very pleased to receive this :

Dear Laura,

I write this letter so I can put into writing how much I enjoyed our evening together, I feel that I may not have thanked you properly at the time my only excuse would be sensory overload ! The evening started off wonderfully, with you accompanying me to the restaurant, dressed beautifully in your dress and showing your legs (*wow*).

I noticed a number of admiring glances that you received as we entered, and I have to confess I bathed a little in the reflective glory, (as the saying goes reflective glory, is glory make the most of it. After all this is perhaps the basis of the Erdos Number, that many academic scientists celebrate)

Then we returned to the flat, where you dominated and humiliated me much to my pleasure and yours?

If you or anyone was wondering whether you could be a good cruel Mistress, then let me say YES.

I think I remember Mistress Laura in role-play, ordering me to e-mail her quicker than this, so I apologise to her for my latest. I know that Laura might forgive me, but that the other facet of your personality 'Mistress Laura' who I have become to love and trust, won't so I guess she will just have to punish me further next time we meet:) But if I was a well behaved slave all the time, perhaps I wouldn't need to be punished quite so harshly.

Some of your many facets came through during the evening, from the one who loved her new kitten and showed me pictures of it sleeping in her hat :) and enjoyed time out with her family, the one who educated me about some aspects of the history of languages, through to the one I have described above. I enjoyed meeting them all.

So to conclude, thank you again for a truly delightful and memorable evening.

What can I say to that ?

You are most welcome and I'm looking forward to seeing you again when you've recovered lol. ;)

So it's back to kittens and study and ironing and normality for a day or two, whilst all the while I will be thinking of new and inventive ways to torture my slave.

It's the differentiation that I love, the ability to sever the cruel mistress from the vanilla lover who adores reverse oral.

After my incall day at Glasgow tomorrow, I'm going back to "family" me, lounging about in my Winnie The Pooh pyjamas, ain't nothing like it. :)

Laura xx

P.S : For those of you concerned, my pussies are getting along grand now, and are doing the whole licking and grooming thing. Success at last. :)

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Kitties, buddies, happiness and mothers

I decided I couldn't wait for two weeks so I went on the hunt, and yesterday I went to pick up my brand new kitten, she is absolutely insanely cute. I've attached a picture of her, she's full of fun and bounces around the house looking for more mischief to get into. It makes me smile when I watch her because she's so playful. My two year old tom cat doesn't think much of her so far, it has to be said. Did you know cats can growl ? Yes indeedy, yesterday we had a stand off with much hissing and growling, but I'm assured that's normal.

She's a gutsy wee thing, I was keeping an eye on them last night and she was growling back for all she was worth and when he went up into her face he was met with a very haughty "and you are?" look which had me dabbing my eyes with laughter. I made a fatal error in judgement and thought that because she's female he wouldn't resent her on his territory as he would a male, but that's not the case. It's considerably quieter today and they've gone to their respective corners, so although they haven't done the licking thing yet, I'm hopeful they'll get on. I'm still not confident enough to leave them alone for any great length of time, so I'm on kitty patrol today lol.

I've added the banner for Passionate Penny's new buddy site to my own today, and am very proud to support the work she does. The buddy scheme aims to link up more experienced escorts with new ladies, as unfortunately there are some individuals who will exploit ladies who have little or no knowledge of the industry. Penny does all of the work in pairing ladies up, and running the site in her own free time and is to be commended for the job she does. I was very lucky when I started, in that I had two older ladies who took me under their wings and gave me some advice and guidance. Other ladies have not been so lucky and because of the enforced secrecy this job brings with it, it can be a very lonely lifestyle, so it's brilliant to know that there is someone at the end of a phone or to meet for coffee who will listen and understand. I'll confess, the first time a client asked if I enjoyed watersports, I thought we were going yachting for the day. Oh, the shame. LOL.

It's been a very lazy Sunday for me, I've been doing a spot of reading and musing, always a dangerous endeavour. I was thinking about everything that's happened in the last twelve months and how much has changed. Moving town, the people that left my life ( thank goodness ) and those who've come into it. I concluded that I'm really very happy at the minute, life is good. My clan are all well and happy, Uni is going great, my friends are just amazing and my floozy life is as busy and fun as I could ever hope for. I hate to say that out loud, because it's an invitation to disaster, something is bound to go belly up LOL.

My peace was shattered by my weekly phone call from my mother. She caught me off guard, usually she phones at night when I've had a glass of wine so it's easier but today apparently she's off to some sort of exhibition or another. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces but just - ARRRGGGHHHHHH !!! Today's gem : " When are you going to get a proper job ?"


"I have a proper job Mother, if HMRC are willing to take my cash and it's good enough for them ..."

"It can't be good for your self esteem".

"You know what ? You're so right, I'm off to sign myself into a Carmelite Convent with immediate effect and self-flagellate until I finally see the error of my ways".

"There's no need for that tone of voice".

How do I love my family ? Let me count the ways. On that cheery note I'm off to bang my head repeatedly against a wall.

Laura xx

Friday, 5 June 2009

Aviemore, automobiles and anti-depressants

So last night myself and Amanda made our way to Aviemore and I finally introduced her to Mr M, a long standing client and friend of mine. What I forgot to mention was that he is one of the very few men I allow to dominate me and I don't think she'll ever forget the sight of me hog tied and trussed up, getting a good spanking. Mmmmm. Rather than just watch ( not her style anyway ) she joined in and I think everyone concerned had a ball.

When we finally fell asleep last night, it was so hot and I tossed and turned for most of the night, so this morning I was a little tired and grumpy. I had to dash home to get my car in for it's first MOT, which I was assured would be very quick and £54. Erm, no. I sat in the garage for 2 and a half hours whilst the mechanics did the "whistling through the teeth and shaking head" ceremony. Afterwards they merrily informed me that all of the repairs ( to be completed over 2 days ) would come to about £370. Ferking hell. It's not the cost that bugs me, it's just that I had a full sevice done in November when they assured me I was good to go for another year. It's an '06 car !! Time to upgrade maybe.

I left the garage just after closing time and made my way to the local supermarket to catch up on groceries as I've been away. I am one of those perverse people who really enjoy grocery shopping, I love pushing my trolley around, planning meals and picking up bargains. I was happily loading my purchases into the boot when a scary and very tall hairy trucker made his way towards me. "Just to tell you doll, you've got a slow puncture on the passenger side". I could have cried. In fact I seriously contemplated it, but thought again about the lemon cheesecake I had just bought and instantly brightened.

So I set off home and on the way, came the cruncher. A phone call from the man who was supposed to deliver my new kitten this evening. Apparently, the family mutt took great exception to the cute little bundle of fur attracting all the attention in the house and in the very small hours of the morning, savaged her to the extent that she needed to be taken to the vets and put to sleep. Gutted just begins to explain the way I felt when I heard that. :( The poor wee mite. On the positive side, he said his brother's cat has had kittens not long ago and they should be ready in two weeks or so.

So, after that day, just for a moment, I wished I was back in the supermarket, strolling around aisle two, when the nasally announcement was heard by all :

"Good evening customers, we have a very special offer for you in aisle three. Prozac is now marked down and is seventeen packs for the price of one".

For the record, I don't take prozac LOL, but watch this space. ;)

Tomorrow is another day. :)

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Dundee, Amateur Psychologists and Uni

I've arrived in Dundee and am less than happy. I've done it again in terms of booking skills (NOT). This time I chose a lovely apartment by the river in the centre of town. It has WI-FI, great parking, etc. Only one problem, the landlady who's about 73 lives in the apartment directly opposite. Feeling particularly brave I welcomed my gentleman who had booked a two hour appointment earlier on, but I feel that's about all we would have got away with. She was out in the hallway watering plants that were in danger of drowning and hoovering right outside our door. When the buzzer went to announce the arrival of our Chinese meal earlier on she was straight out into the hallway to see who was arriving. Grrrrrr. So tomorrow we are moving to a hotel in the centre of Dundee and will do our incalls from there.

Following on from the post I did about the email that upset me, I had a follow up email from the same gentleman :

"I'm still where I was but without the shock . Your latest blog is you, the woman I know and care for, someone who appreciates lambs and tiny babies . I still find it quaint that you can also flog the ass off a man in a halloween mask ( him , not you ), suffocate him, and enjoy it . As I shovelled earth off the road outside the house this morning , dumped there but blocking traffic, I thought in an idle way how glad I was that I hadn't had anything unusual on the bedside table when we last met - an asthma inhaler perhaps which might have stretched your inventive powers. Thoughts invited, less than 10 words."

Do you really think that because you had an inhaler by your bed that I would suddenly have stepped out of my natural fluffy self and started dominating you ? Dear me, let me explain. Everyone has different facets to their personality and whether we like it or not, we subconsciously choose which side we will show. Just because a particular client expresses a desire for domination, doesn't make him any less a person and certainly doesn't earmark me as some sort of an uncontrollable animal for allowing him to safely indulge his fantasy.

Thoughts invited, less than 10 words ? "Better that you don't contact me again." There we are, that's seven words. I am very comfortable in the multi-role that I thoroughly enjoy, moving between passionate lover to cruel mistress and I no longer require your uninvited psychological analyses, thank you.

On a positive note, I got my first assignment returned from Uni, and I got 70%. Normally I'd be in meltdown because as an incurable perfectionist I want an "A" each time, but I'm comfortable with the mark. My tutor said that the content of my essay was very good, but I need to work on my style, leaning more towards academia, which is fair enough after 10 years away from the books and I can work on that.

Tomorrow myself and Amanda are moving to a hotel to do our incalls and it will feel very strange, we will have separate rooms whilst answering our phones and I guess at the end of the day we'll huddle up in her room or mine and watch TV and chill out. On Thursday we're off to Aviemore to meet one of my long standing clients for a duo, it should be very enjoyable, dinner and then back to his suite. He has only ever met me on a one to one basis, so all I can say is be afraid Mr M, be very afraid, hehe.

Aside from that Mr A is off to the Middle East for a month tomorrow for work, for goodness sake look after yourself and come home safely.

Nite, Laura x