Friday, 31 July 2009
Toes, tours, twats and texts
First and foremost, my toe is fine. I seem to have escaped serious injury this time, thank goodness, because trying to totter around in my porn star shoes with a sore toe is no fun at all. Damn it, another chance to visit my GP thwarted. :(
It's the end of a very long week for me after three days in Aberdeen and two days in Inverness and tomorrow I'm going home. I have two days of catch up with bills, correspondence and court orders and then I'm off on holidays, hurrah !! I can't wait, I don't even have to shave my legs for a whole week, bliss. I had my Mother on the phone today finalising arrangements and Amanda found the whole conversation quite comical because she could see the temper rising in me and my face starting to flush with every exchange. *Breathe, in.... and ... out ....*
I arrived in Aberdeen on Monday to start my tour with Tartan Doll, or Maztec as I call her. We had the best of craic even though Melanie Head Girl had threatened to install a webcam and broadcast OCD versus chaos live to the nation. ( To be fair, it would probably have had more entertainment and more followers than Big Brother, but then even Songs of Praise can claim that accolade. ) We made an agreement from the start, I would clean and she would cook and it worked very well, she made a beautiful pasta dish which we all devoured. A guy I've met before in Aberdeen decided to be brave and book a sandwich with a difference so much lip gloss was applied and Maztec and I greeted him with a big smile. We have done a duo booking before but it was very much a case of both of us working on the guy, but this time the client wanted to see some girl on girl action. Amanda and I have a system in place when it comes to that part of the booking when we just ask;
"Who's turn is it ?"
"Ok, assume the position then."
However, Maztec and I have never been in that position before ( no pun intended ) so we had a moment of awkwardness when we looked at each other and luckily she took the lead and saved the moment. Well, all I can say is you haven't lived a day in your life until you've had Tartandoll clamped between your thighs, any nerves were quickly dispersed together with copious bodily fluids. After that booking I had a moment of reflection, I remember in my twenties saying to my closest friend, "I have had some fun with girls but I'm not bisexual." Erm, WHAT ? With the benefit of maturity, I have come to accept and embrace my sexuality. I am B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Yes indeedy, I love girlies, almost as much as chocolate, they're soft, smell divine, and more importantly, a woman knows what a woman likes. ;)
For some bizarre reason I have had a lot of enquiries from gentlemen in Belfast lately, maybe there's a field report on some site I'm not aware of ? Anyway, Maztec, Melanie Head Girl and moi will be visiting Belfast City from the 22nd until the 26th of September, I'm just waiting for the apartment booking to be confirmed before I put the dates up on my site. It will be my first visit there and I'm very much looking forward to it.
From Aberdeen I hit the A96 for Inverness and engaged in one of my favourite past-times. Why do men consider their cars to be an extension of their penis ? You know the ones I mean, they drive around in their Mercs or Audis in glaring sunshine with their lights on, full beam. If you pull into the overtaking lane, they are straight up your backside, lights blaring until you move back into the slow lane. I hate them with a passion. "Ooooh, look at me, I have a huge Mercedes which I can intimidate you with, ergo I must have a huge salary and an even bigger penis." Guess what ? I don't care. Act the hardman with me on the road and expect the worst in return. For most of the A96 it's a standard road but every so often there are overtaking lanes. Cue a free range, class A twat right behind me with literally an inch to spare, dazzling me with his lights. I hit the brakes a couple of times to give him the hint but no, he sat there. So I started my fave game of car sandwich.
Ethyl and Eunice ( my pals ) were out in their Fiat Uno for a drive, and every time we came to an overtaking lane, I hopped into the fast lane and sat there, window to window with the bingo brigade. Meanwhile, Mr "I'm dead important and have to be at an even more important meeting, like yesterday" was in meltdown behind me. Wild gestures combined with aggressive revving only served to fuel my mirth. Eventually he turned off but not before a loud long blast of his horn and some fist pumps. Result.
I finally arrived in Inverness and hooked up with Amanda and we went out for a lovely meal and then came back and attacked the wine and champagne we had received as pressies from our clients. Cue the two of us hanging over the balcony of my apartment at 1am watching a fight outside the pub in the street below. It's like a car crash, you know you shouldn't watch but you just do. I called time at 2am and went to bed because I had a booking at 10.30am this morning. I am sooo proud of myself, I was out of bed, showered and ready to play in 44 minutes, a new world record for me. I met a lovely guy I've been speaking to via email for quite a while and he took some fab photos too. Thank you, it was truly a pleasure, in every sense of the word. ;)
I thought I'd leave you with "Text of the day" from today. "Can you do Japanese Scissor massage and can you visit?" I wonder if he's based in Carstairs.